


Clarity

by thingsishouldntbedoing



Series: The Symphony of Two Thousand Years [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon - Manga, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Fluff, INCLUDING 51, M/M, Romance, SPOILERS FOR CHAPTERS 49 ON
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 19:10:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingsishouldntbedoing/pseuds/thingsishouldntbedoing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SPOILERS FOR CHAPTERS 49-51. All hell had broken loose and with all the revelations Levi's only choice is to help Eren the best way he knows how. With a steady hand and harsh words that bespeak softer meanings. Basically just cabin shenanigans (read: fluff) and a slow build to EreRi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I watched you fall.

**Author's Note:**

> So I've got major writer's block for my bigger, complicated fics so I'm dabbling in a few new easy ones. This one is just... pure... fluffy goodness. Eren and Levi and their fucking weird family.
> 
> tumblr: thingsishouldntbedoing

He scrubbed futilely at the table top, knowing well that if it didn’t shine Levi would put up a fuss. He certainly wasn’t beneath living with it but Eren would rather he not be in a bad mood his first day back in Levi’s company. _It’s been so long since I saw him…_ He scrubbed a little harder, heart pounding.

“Eren’s really excited to see Captain Levi again, isn’t he?” Sasha hummed happily.

“Hmm…” Mikasa looked out the window and Armin glanced at her curiously. He knew she was still injured but she wasn’t about to listen to a word anyone said to her about relaxing and healing. As long as Eren was around anyway.

Eren pulled the kerchief from around his nose, head lifting as he listened with sharp ears for a noise he swore he’d been hearing all day: the thudding of hoofbeats on the firm earth. His brows softened as they neared and before anyone could stop him he was charging out the door.

“Eren!” Mikasa reached for him as he almost knocked over the bucket of water.

“You don’t know who it is!” Armin tried to back her up, tried to help her as much as he could… anything to keep her from getting upset and hurting herself worse.

“Captain!” He heard his voice as he rode up the path to the house they were all crammed into, and he wasn’t about to admit to the way his heart lifted at the sound. He thought it was fitting that the boy hurried up the path towards him, turquoise eyes shining as he reached up to help his superior down from the horse. “Captain Levi!” There was relief, plain and soft, painted all over his face with touches of concern and exhaustion.

“You little shit,” he couldn’t bring himself to say anything else and slapped Eren’s hand away as he climbed down, watching Eren’s body tense and shift as if he were about to wrap his arms around him. The brunette reached out to touch him, as if he weren’t real, but hesitated. “Eren?”

“I… am sorry…” he drew his hand back and Levi glanced around him. “We’ve gone over the cottage a few times… I don’t know if it’ll be to your liking, but I tried really hard.”

“I know you did,” Levi told him. There was gentility in his voice, a kindness that was often there but never heard. “Go put my horse away,” he couldn’t stand there under Eren’s simpering gaze for long. _I missed you too, asshole._ He waved him away.

Mikasa watched them, the way Eren’s body shifted in response to Levi’s movement, to the angle of his hands and the turn of his lips into a smile at Levi’s sharp words. _Why does he put up with this guy?_ She wouldn’t forgive him for what he did to Eren. Even if he had saved her, even if it had been her fault that he was hurt… she had never quite recovered from the blood dripping from Eren’s face.

Jean wasn’t really sure what he was expecting when Levi walked into the cabin but it certainly wasn’t the obvious irritation that spilled onto his face and curve his brows down, “What the hell is this?”

“Our… cabin… sir?” Jean answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Not that, jackass, this fucking mess,” Levi frowned. “I thought Eren would have told you all by now that--”

“Captain! Is there anything else I can do for you?” Eren was already back at the door, scrubbing the dirt off his boots and it was all Levi could do not to let amusement flicker in his eyes, not watch the way Eren looked up at him eagerly as he dried the leather.

“I thought you’d teach them how to be tidy at least,” Levi grunted. “Your friends are pigs.”

“Yes sir! I did try to tell them to help me clean up…” he glanced at his friends, almost ashamed to have them see him this way… to see how desperate he was to please Levi. Everything was worth the smile in his eyes and the warmth in his voice.

“We’re sorry Captain Levi,” Historia was the first to speak. “We didn’t listen to Eren the way we should have…”

“Don’t be sorry, just get it done,” his voice was a whip crack and it had all of them scattering except Eren. And Mikasa. Who remained still with the axe in her hand as she stared Levi down. “What is it Ackerman?” Levi felt Eren’s gaze on him, almost sensed when he looked away to his sister. “Aren’t you injured?”

“No. I’m fine,” she deferred to her scarf and Levi’s eye twitched.

“You came back injured and you’re not healed yet. I won’t have a squad member who can’t take care of themselves. Go rest and _consider that an order,_ ” Levi held out his hand for the axe. “Eren will take over your duties.”

“But Eren--”

“Is perfectly capable of chopping wood, and if he whacks his hand off it’ll grow back. I’ll make sure someone is there to be sure he doesn’t axe his own stupid head,” Levi could almost hear the indignant huff from the titan shifter.

Mikasa’s silver eyes flickered between them and she relented to her superior officer, handing the axe to him under his stern blue gaze before turning and heading out to find something else to do with herself.

“Can I trust you with this?” Levi offered Eren the axe and his lips twitched. “We’ll need firewood as it’s getting cold.”

“How much, Captain?”

“Chop until I tell you not to anymore,” Levi replied blandly. He delighted in the way Eren’s eyes lit up at his command, happy to be given any sort of order. _God damn kid_ … he rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn’t about to say the Hero Worship wasn’t nice, that at first it hadn’t been obnoxiously endearing, but over time he had seen it become something else… the need to please had become so ingrained in Eren that even now… with all he’d been through… Levi was his top priority. _Maybe tonight I’ll talk to him._

* * *

 

Levi felt better once he was showered, washed down and free of sweat for the first time in what felt like years. He’d spent most of his shower thinking about Eren and just what exactly he could say to him to get him to open up. All he’d ever seen from him was anger and sadness… but he knew he had more depth. He’d seen it in his eyes and heard it in his voice. He knew the boy had deeper thoughts and darker dreams than the ones he spoke of… the trick was to drag it out of him. To make him open up around his concerns. Because Levi had seen the haunted look in his eyes, the way it flickered and hid behind the happiness for Levi’s return.

Then his mind turned to his trials during the expedition as he dressed. He couldn’t help the heavy sigh that left his body physically exhausted. That whole experience had been nothing short of temper-inducing but being back in the place he belonged, with his squad, had set his nerves at ease for the most part… even if these idiots were the most incompetent bunch of assholes he’d ever had the displeasure of dealing with.

“What the hell is this?” Levi frowned as Historia set plates out on the dinner table.

“Dinner?” Sasha replied, mouth practically dripping.

”No you’re all _filthy_ and I’m not about to sit at the dinner table with a bunch of anima-- where the hell is Eren?”

“Eren?” Armin echoed his name. “I… don’t know.”

“Sit _down_ Ackerman,” Levi said with something near impatience. “ _I_ will go look for him while all of you little monsters clean your hands because this is bullshit. Don’t even think about touching my food or my plate or… for that matter just don’t touch anything until you’re clean.”

“But…” Sasha looked heartbroken and Connie pat her shoulder.

“ _Clean up_ ,” Levi’s last words were punctuated by the slamming of the cottage door.

“He’s such a sourpuss…” Jean muttered.

“But it’s still kind of an honor that we were selected for his squad right?” Connie offered.

Armin wasn’t about to butt in, to tell them that he had a feeling something about this was meant to do something to Eren… he hadn’t completely understood what yet. What could separating him from humanity do?

 

* * *

 

Eren grunted under the swing of his axe, slicing clean through a log with one sweep. He’d been at it all day, sweat glistening on his cooling skin beneath the sunset as he pushed the pieces over and set a new one down.

How long had he been working? He really couldn’t tell. This menial physical task had his body aching desperately but it was mind numbing work. The muscles of his back and shoulders were aching beneath the strain of his neck swing and the axe missed, sending the log skittering across the dry ground. He panted, sweat dripping down his face, dirt clinging to his skin.

Mind numbing work. That was exactly what he’d needed. Something to hit and chop and slice until all the pent of feelings of anger and aggression had ebbed away to wait for another tide. He bit his bottom lip, closing his tired eyes against the quiet of the woods and swallowed against his dry mouth.

All of it was too much to handle sometimes: losing his mother, losing his friends, causing the deaths of his squad, being caught by people he’d thought were his friends… the burn of betrayal that made the ache in his shoulders soften. He grunted again as he set up another log, swinging the axe down with all his might in a blind rage.

Levi heard him before he saw him: caught between sobs of anger and fear. When he did see him his first thought was: _filthy_. But then he wondered if Eren even knew that he was crying, if he even knew that tears were cutting deep lines in the grime on his face, if he’d noticed that he’d been working all day long. _He must be exhausted._ Something settled in Levi’s chest and he brushed his fingers against the ends of his undercut, something affectionate and warm that purred when he thought of Eren’s smile.

Eren’s muscles were swollen from abuse, latissimus dorsi sliding fluidly and trapezius muscles folding with the flex of his deltoids. He wondered what it would be like to run his finger down the edges of his spine and feel him arch to his touch, what kind of sounds he’d make. _I told him to chop until I told him to stop._ The sudden realization _hurt_. It hit him hard in the gut and left him breathless.

“Oi, Eren,” his voice broke the twilight air and Levi was terrified that Eren’s sweaty grip was about to slip off the axe.

“Captain!” He stiffened, panting as he smeared the dirt on his face with his wrist.

“You’ve been at it for hours, come inside,” Levi told him gently.

“I just… have a few more to--” Eren turned to see the massive pile of wood he’d spent the afternoon chopping. When had it gotten that big? He shuddered when he slammed the axe into a block to keep it from rusting as Levi began picking up a piece pieces from his collection. “W-Wait sir you--”

“Eren I’m fine, pick up your shirt and wash up before dinner,” Levi straightened up to look at him. In this light his eyes were almost black but Eren knew they were blue, deep and dark like the night sky during the moon’s descent. He knew a lot of things about his captain, but when he really thought about it he really didn’t know him at all, did he? He knew things of him and things about him but he didn’t _know_ him in the way he knew Armin or Mikasa or even Jean… those were people he could predict and understand. Levi was something else entirely.

“I’ll have to wash up in the shower out back then… I don’t want to track all this in…” Eren muttered as he snatched up his clothing. _I’m going to hurt in the morning, aren’t I?_ He could already feel it, the way his arms shook when he moved them. It hadn’t been like this since he was in training; pushing himself to his limits with all his strength and determination.

“You’re learning, good boy,” Levi glanced over at him to see the way Eren’s tired eyes lit up at his compliment. “I’d like to speak with you in private after dinner.”

“Huh?” Eren blinked stupidly. “Yeah that sounds okay, after bed check?”

“Eren we’re in the middle of east buttfuck nowhere, there’s nobody here to bed check.”

Eren cracked a smile at that, “True. Mikasa, Sasha, and Christa took over a whole room for themselves.”

“Well it’s good thing you’re used to sleeping in close quarters.”

“Yeah, Armin and I took a bunk before we’d be forced to share with Jean or Connie,” Eren chuckled.

“It’s good that you’re smiling again,” Levi told him and watched Eren’s face sink.

“Is it?” _Only with you, Captain._

“Sure, you miserable little shit, go wash down and come in for dinner,” Levi chided and Eren smiled in return as he turned to walk inside.

“Captain.”

“What is it, Jaeger?”

“I’m… really happy you’re back.”

A smart ass retort hung on Levi’s lips as he looked over at his subordinate, his ward, his titan shifter… his partner. Yes his partner. That was a better word. Because what would Humanity’s Greatest Soldier be without Humanity’s Last Hope? And Humanity’s Last Hope was a 15 year old boy that looked at him with warmth and affection in his eyes that he was certain no one had ever used upon him before.

“I’m happy to be back as well,” he replied quietly and turned sharply into the house.

 

* * *

 

Dinner was eventful to say the least. It had been quite a long time since Levi had been at a table with noisy teens arguing about who got the last slice of bread. Eren spent most of his time managing arguments between Connie, Jean, and Sasha with an expert hand. Levi was almost impressed with his dexterity.

“Come on guys don’t fight,” Eren said for the third time as Sasha tried for the bread and earned a slap from Connie’s hand. “Hey! That’s enough,” Eren snatched up the slice and shoved it into his mouth, ending the contest.

“Eren! That’s not fair!” Sasha whimpered and he ‘hffed’ through his bread.

”I was thinking,” Levi’s voice cut the air and everyone turned to look at him. “It would be best to keep your techniques sharp and there’s a bunch of fuckin’ trees around here. Tomorrow morning I want you all running drills for four hours. Don’t get lazy.”

”Do you want us to do hand to hand as well?” Jean asked.

”Sure, embarrass yourselves for me, that sounds entertaining.”

Eren’s eyes were on him again and he looked over, meeting lake blue orbs that flickered beyond the candle light, “If you’re all finished squabbling why don’t you clean up. Do the dishes and dry them and _put them back where you found them_.”

When they had first arrived Eren attempted to elucidate just how tidy his captain was. He’d spent hours scrubbing the floors until they shone with perfection; partly for Levi’s sake and partly for the sake of taking his mind off things. He’d instructed them on just how to sweep down cobwebs and check for termites and seal the failing support beams. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d learned from Levi until the moment that he was _actually showing Armin how to properly scrub shower tiles._

Armin had stared at him with incredulity until Eren was forced to explain that Levi had made him scrub down the bathrooms of Utgard with Eren’s own toothbrush until every last corner sparkled.

Of course none of that stopped them from tracking in mud onto Eren’s perfectly clean floors or leaving crumbs on the table for ants to pick up. He sighed at the mess in the kitchen, the mess that no one else seemed to have noticed before they rushed off to prepare for bed. _Oh my god I’m turning into Levi._

”It’s the worst when you work so hard on something and everybody ruins it, right?” Levi’s voice came from near the hearth and Eren turned his head.

”I just want it to be right for you, Captain.”

Well if that didn’t hit him like a knockout punch then he wasn’t sure what would. This boy. This earnest, honest, hardworking idiot boy said the damndest things, “Shut up.”

Eren’s grin nearly broke his face at Levi’s acknowledgement and Levi rolled his eyes, “Are you going to bed?”

”You must be stupid, didn’t I say I wanted to talk to you?” Levi answered and helped him sweep up the crumbs from the tabletop.

”Oh… right…” his aching shoulders slumped and he sank into a chair. He seemed to shrink then, closing his tired eyes. It was the first time in a long time Levi had seen him this way and for a moment all he wanted to do was reach out to him.

”You know… maybe it would be better if we don’t talk tonight, you’re tired and I’m tired and it would be better to do this another time,” Levi wanted to stroke his fingers through his hair and run his thumb over his wrinkle brow and smooth away the worry lines that had built there all his life… but he settled for gripping the back of Eren’s chair. “You wore yourself out today.”

”I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable,” Eren replied softly. “I missed you.”

Levi felt his throat burn, finally giving in and catching his hand on his shoulder and rubbing his thumb against his dens, soothing his spine and curling his fingers around his trapezius, “I’m here now, right? So shut up.”

Eren’s eyes flickered closed and Levi felt him relax under his palm, wishing the tension in this young man’s shoulders away if only for a moment. It was a soothing moment for them both, somehow, it had been so long since they’d been together. Everything in this house was comfortable and warm and familiar for Eren and that was all Levi had wanted. To just give him a chance at normalcy for just a little while.

And saints knew he needed it too.


	2. A soldier I am.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi finally get to talk. Shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm super inspired so here's the second chapter. I'm working on the third now but it probably won't be up until tomorrow... but if you're lucky I'll do it tonight 8D
> 
> tumblr: thingsishouldntbedoing

Eren didn’t know why he couldn’t sleep anymore, or at least he didn’t know for sure. He used to be able to sleep like a rock, but as he climbed down and out of his bunk he was wide awake in the silent night. Even with his aching muscles, screaming their protests at each little movement he picked up his harness and boots, padding out of the room and shutting the door as silently as he could.

He hesitated at the third bedroom door, noticing that it was cracked just slightly, and leaned into the doorjamb just slightly to search out Levi’s sleeping form. _He sleeps so fitfully._ He watched Levi’s face twitch in a dream, lips moving around words Eren couldn’t hear; and maybe didn’t want to hear. When they’d been alone at the chopping block he’d wanted to ask him so many questions… share things with him he wasn’t sure he could share with anyone else. He smiled sadly as Levi rolled and nuzzled his face into his pillow. _What do you dream about?_ He rubbed his thumb over the doorknob affectionately and turned away, walking to the front of the house to pull his harness on and slip into his boots. He just needed a chance to clear his head away from everyone, just to take a walk and look around or… something. Anything that wasn’t tossing and turning in the rough sheets of his bed.

His favorite part of this place was the bite of the cool mountain air. It filled his lungs and burned in his throat and made his body feel alive. He paused for a moment, pulling a nondescript cloak around himself; as they were technically under cover their cloaks had been folded and put away for the time being-- Wings of Freedom bright against the green fabric in the drawers of their shared rooms. He rather missed the feel of his rough green mantle, the way it smelled and felt in his hands. He missed the pride it wrought upon his shoulders when he walked about, and how close it made him feel to being free, but perhaps not how far away from freedom it made him realize that they were.

 _“You have to use that power for good,”_ he heard Jean’s voice in his head as he walked to the tack room and slid his fingers over his maneuver gear. _I know I have to._ Too many lives had been lost… his blood ran cold when he thought of the count-- of how many people had died because of him _again_. Even if he might have the power now to keep their lives from going to waste… he covered his mouth with his hands. _Hannes. You finally got to be brave didn’t you?_ He closed his eyes and tried to push away the ache in his chest. _Was it to redeem yourself?_ His fingers were shaking as he latched his gear on, sliding a spare set of blades into his holsters just in case. _And Erwin lost an arm… 80 casualties of the 100 MPs that went with us… Bertholdt and Reiner are traitors…_ he nearly dropped his triggers from his trembling fingers. _I can’t let them down._

“Just where do you think you’re going?” A soft voice drew his attention and fear trickled down his neck like ice water. Levi pushed the door open to the tack room and leaned against the frame, crossing one leg over the other.

“I…” Eren hesitated. “Nowhere… I just… was making sure my gear still worked.”

“Hmph,” Levi said nothing more, practiced hands helping Eren affix the last of his harness. He was quiet even as Eren watched him adjust his leather culet and hook on the fastens of his gear. He wondered where he’d come from, he’d been sleeping just moments before, and why he hadn’t said much else to him. “Are you ready?”

“For what?”

“You said you wanted to make sure your gear still worked right?” Levi asked. “Or was that just a lie?” His dark eyes glinted.

“Oh… yeah a test run…” Eren thought the fabric of Levi’s cloak looked soft, like cashmere. It was thick and warm with a folded neck that Eren rather thought suited his angular face, it gave him a more distinguished air than his usual Scouting Legion mantle.

“Well?” Eren jumped at the impatience in his voice, turning abruptly and starting out of the shed. “Did I wake you up, sir?”

“Not really,” he murmured, “I don’t sleep very deeply.”

Eren was quiet after that, walking farther away from the house to fire his first grapple, soaring into the trees with Levi not far behind him. For a while it was simply the sounds of their gears whirring, weaving between trees with expert precision, companionship in its most simple form. Eren’s body was quivering in its harness and once his grapple missed, weaving in the air tiredly to fire another line before a strong arm caught him around the waist and swung them both up onto a branch, hopping to another before their weight broke it.

“Sorry I…”

“There’s a river around here,” Levi murmured, tilting his head and listening closely.

“You can put me down.”

“You’re too tired to maneuver, your reflexes just then were like watching cold honey,” Levi answered him shortly. “Why haven’t you been sleeping?”

“This is a one time thing,” Eren replied, resigning himself to being carried.

“You’re exhausted, why are you letting all this eat away at you? You know what you have to do,” he swung down and around a tree to land casually in the grass. “Can you walk?”

“Sure…” Eren glanced at him sheepishly when he was set on his feet. _Why does he feel the need to baby me?_ He watched his captain adjust his cloak back around himself, running his long fingers through his hair. He watched him so long he forgot he was taking in every detail of his face. The details that had blurred since they’d been apart. He’d seen him every day but while they were apart it almost seemed as though pieces of Levi were starting to fall away: the way his dark lashes brushed his cheekbones and the perfect angle of his nose and the soft slope of his throat joining with the sharp shape of his jaw… they were all things that had faded. But the perceptive glare of his steel blue eyes had never wavered. Even when he wasn’t standing there beside him Eren could feel their burn, the way they drove him forward and kept him in line.

Levi noticed, waiting for Eren to break his stare, tilting his head just slightly in curiosity. “What is it?” He almost felt bad when Eren’s face flushed and he looked away. “Hmph…” _Well that was certainly cuter than I expected from a lunatic like Eren._ He snorted at his private joke and led him off towards the river. It felt nice to be looked at again, even if it was a bit strange. Certainly Humanity’s Strongest had its _advantages_ he’d daresay and one of them was the adoration of beautiful teenage boys that changed into titans as tall as the years they’d been alive.

Yet he supposed that wasn’t really the reason why he enjoyed Eren’s attention so much. No it had more to do with being appreciated for who he was by someone who didn’t need to completely understand him. Eren asked no questions, he didn’t force Levi to do anything he didn’t want to or challenge his systems of thought… he just accepted what he said and how he said it.

The clearing they passed into took Eren’s breath away and he hurried to the riverside, careful not to slide into the crystal clear waters. The grass was thick here, rising up against the leather of his boots and licking at his knees and he nearly tripped when he snagged himself on a vine that curled in the weeds.

“Levi what are you doing here?” Eren finally asked the most pressing question on his mind as Levi folded his arms over his chest beneath his cloak.

“Is that a rhetorical or an existential question?”

“A what?”

“Sometimes I wonder if you can even read,” Levi sighed.

“I can!” Eren protested.

“I’m here because you are here, that’s why.”

“That’s not a very good answer.”

“Well what answer do you want, Eren? Ask me the real question or I’m making you go back.”

Eren hesitated and sank down onto the bank, squatting until he could dip his fingers into the water, “I wanted to know why you let me come out here. Why did you come with me?”

Levi wasn’t sure he had an answer to that, or if he really wanted to answer it at all. He could be ambiguous and tell him it was his job or open up to him and tell him it was because he was worried about him. That he’d been gone for so long and then suddenly they were back together and he could tell how all that time had weighed on Eren’s shoulders and how it had driven him from his sleep in the middle of the night and how every movement Eren made was labored under the enormous weight of humanity. As if that were even an option; opening up to this kid. As if he could ever actually put into words how everything that had happened around them affected him.

He was the perfect soldier. He wasn’t meant to discuss feelings or just how the title affected him, how he knew well that everyone around him was at a high risk of death just because they were connected to him… then again Eren wasn’t beyond his predicament was he? He’d already lost one whole squad on his very first expedition, now he’d suffered the loss of entire brigades on his behalf, and Levi had been cruel enough to fill his squad with Eren’s friends. There was a reason, of course, Eren needed to learn to make decisions as quickly as possible to either save as many as he could or sacrifice a few for the better. He needed to learn to value his own life and learn to not put others at risk through his decisions.

Eren, in the absence of Levi’s voice, plucked at some of the wild iris growing in a thatch beside the water and started weaving them together thoughtlessly. He wasn’t entirely sure why Levi was hesitating, turning the flowers in his hand with dexterous fingers. The sound of the waters rushing by had begun to lull him, heavy eyes hanging half closed in either concentration or exhaustion.

“I couldn’t let you be alone,” Levi’s voice broke the silence and startled Eren from his doze.

“Oh…” there was disappointment in his voice. “Well yeah I guess that would be a bad idea…”

“Eren, I mean that you…” he paused again, looking up at the fat, silver moon above them. Putting things into words that weren’t ‘you fucking brat’ was irritating and difficult. Being honest with him, telling him the truth… that was something Levi rarely had to do or felt the need to do… but this moment called for it in a way no other had before.

“Captain,” the grass rustled as Eren made his way over. “It’s okay I’m sorry I asked,” he stopped short of him, hands behind his back.

“What are you doing?” Levi’s eyebrow nearly touched his hairline in incredulity.

“I have something for you so… close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you to.”

“What is it, brat? You better not be putting mud on my head,” Levi said suspiciously but --incredibly-- closed his eyes. “What’s this about?”

“Just… stay still,” Eren pulled out his prize and placed it on Levi’s head, nestling the cool stems down into his hair.

“Jaeger!”

“There!” Eren said almost happily, yawning behind his hand as Levi opened his eyes, looking suspicious as he lifted his hand and touched the cool, slimy thing on his head. “Don’t pull it off!”

“What is…” he caught petals between his fingers. “Did you put fucking weeds on my head?”

“Irises!” Eren pronounced and Levi looked thunderstruck.

Hanji had spent the first year of their so called ‘friendship’ explaining the language of flowers to him. That was before her obsession with the titans had begun, back when she was obsessed with any book she could get her hands on and Levi was forced to listen to her. _Faith, wisdom, valor, promised in love._ Did Eren even understand? Probably not, he shook his head as a secondary reaction. He wasn’t even sure why it had come to mind after all these years.

Levi stood before him with that same grumpy look on his face and a ring of flowers around his head and somehow Eren thought it was fitting. A flower crown for a steel soldier. He searched his face for a moment, breath hitching in his chest when the moonlight caught his eyes just right and suddenly they were blue in the best way and so deep he thought he could dive into them and never come out.

“You made me a flower crown, sometimes I can’t decide if you’re--” When their mouths connected and their chins bumped together Levi stopped dead, bringing his hands up to defend himself from whatever attack this was but then Eren’s sloppy kiss had found his lips and his skin burned hot beneath the tongue that flicked out over his mouth and the hands that caught his shoulders. He drew back sharply and left Eren suspended with his lips parted and his fingers curled into the shape of Levi’s firm trapezius and those blue eyes flooded with curiosity and regret and suddenly Levi was the one filled with regret.

The moment hung between them, as fragile as glass and as sharp as a blade. The wrong move would shatter any hope of salvaging their relationship, the other would flay them both bare and send them hurtling towards heartbreak.

 _Why?_ hung between them as well. An unspoken agreement that had Eren withdrawing his hands and looking off to the side nervously. Eren wiped his hands on his pants, thumbs catching on the straps on his thighs, green eyes flickering up to Levi’s face.

“What the hell color are your eyes?” Levi murmured something that had Eren startled, staring at him blankly.

“I… what?”

“Nevermind… I think it’s time we headed back…” Levi suddenly felt nervous and almost shy? Shy because he was suddenly very aware of the way Eren looked at him and just what exactly it meant. He’d thought all along it was a part of his hero worship, that Eren had simply looked up to him… but now… he looked over at him out of the corner of his eye and found Eren staring back in wide-eyed curiosity. _He expects to be punished._ He rubbed his fingers through the short hairs on the back of his head. _What do I have to punish him for? He’s just a curious kid._ He caught his triggers in his hands.

“Do you want me to carry you back?” He asked as Eren swayed.

“No it’s… okay…” Eren murmured but then he was being swept off his feet and Levi was soaring through the air. “I said I was fine.” He looked down shyly, fiddling with the straps of his harness.

“Sure you are,” Levi answered curtly and a comfortable silence fell between them despite Levi’s beating heart, tempo quick against his sternum. The way Eren curled against his shoulder, the way his hand curled into the fabric of Levi’s cloak and settled against his chest, the puffs of his breath rushing over Levi’s neck. _What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve been back a day and here I am coddling him again._ But he was exhausted, he’d worked so hard, he deserved to sleep for once… deserved to rest.

 

* * *

 

Everyone in the boys’ room pretended to be asleep when Levi carried Eren into the room and peeled off his boots and maneuver gear. He climbed up and laid him down in his bunk; careful not to shake the bed.

“Fell asleep before we even got home, shitty brat,” Levi muttered.

“Sorry Cap’n,” Eren murmured, pliant and warm as his superior tucked him into bed.

Armin held his breath, eyes open just enough to see what was going on, wondering where Eren had gone and now he had his answer. _What was he doing with Levi?_ He had to sneeze and he looked across the room desperately, finding Jean’s terrified face peering out from under his blankets. He covered his nose and mouth, keeping the fearful eye contact with his friend who shook his head ever so imperceptibly.

“I expect you up at the regular time tomorrow, no skipping out on practice,” Levi told him.

Connie watched with wide eyes, catching sight of the flowers in Levi’s hair and nearly snorting, stuffing his face into his pillow as Levi jerked his head around to look at them all. Immediately they were as innocent as angels, eyes closed and breathing even.

“Yesshir,” Eren said again.

“Go back to sleep, you’ve got a lot of work to do tomorrow,” he said it ever so quietly and climbed back down the ladder to peer around at the other three boys. _Hmm_ … He picked up Eren’s gear and started for the door. “Good night,” he said as he closed the door and grinned at the chorus of “Good night, sir.” And the following horrified silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! <3


	3. Trust is earned.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people never learn. Until Levi gets his hands on them. Then they learn as quickly as they can. Well... some of them do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 3! I'm working on 4 right now, this thing just writes itself. Enjoy this one it's cute. And sad. But mostly cute. 
> 
> tumblr: thingsishouldntbedoing

Armin woke rather abruptly the next morning to shouting in the hallway, tired eyes itchy beneath his hands as he rubbed sleep away. _What’s happening?_ He looked forward and found Eren standing at the door with hair that needed trimming standing up in every direction it could think of, shirtless, and exhausted if the shadows under his eyes were anything to go by.

“I saw you! Sasha I watched you take them!” Jean’s voice was loud in the once calm morning. “You heard what we said! There’s only so much that we have to eat and you can’t have more than your share!”

“I didn’t do anything!” Sasha protested. “I was just checking to make sure the chickens were laying!”

“You took eggs and I saw you!”

“You’re lying! And some of us need more protein than you!”

“ _Protein_?” Jean’s voice raised an octave as Armin rose, Connie not far behind.

“Yes! I need more protein than you!”

“ _Do you even know how human bodies work_?” Jean asked incredulously. “WAIT SO THAT MEANS YOU’RE ADMITTING TO DOING IT!”

“N-No! I just said--”

“Hey,” Eren’s rough voice had them both looking over, “Shut up.”

“Why are you guys out here shouting at this hour anyway?” Connie leaned on Armin’s shoulder.

“Sasha was out back taking eggs from the chickens, I keep telling her not to just take stuff!”

“We’ve all told her that,” Eren’s tired voice was still gruff and he closed his eyes for a moment to lean against the door frame. “And punishing her doesn’t do any good… I could tell Levi--”

“Who’s being punished?” As if on cue Levi’s voice had joined the fray and Eren regretted saying the word ‘punishment’ next to the name ‘Levi’. As if he really had any intention of telling him.

“Eren, sir!” Sasha said promptly.

“Me?! You’re not getting off that easily!”

“He’ll go easier on you!”

“If you think that’s true then--”

“How about I punish you both and then I won’t have to find out what’s going on?” Levi folded his arms over his chest, looking over with steely eyes as Jean tried to slink off without being noticed. “Kirschtein I know you’re involved in this, I heard your stupid voice.”

Jean looked queasy for a moment before his back became a sharp line and he tilted his chin up, “Sasha was stealing from our food stores for herself.”

“Tattling; you’re a good boy, Kirschtein.”

Eren knew that voice: it dripped with syrup but was tainted with poison. He’d heard it only once before when one of the new recruits had spilled manure on Levi’s boots… come to think of it Eren hadn’t seen him around lately.

“Do you know what we do with good boys in the Scouting Legion?” Levi asked pleasantly and Jean’s face twitched, sinking just slightly as Sasha watched with delight in her eyes. “Well?”

“I-Is this a trick question?”

“Get your ass out there and clean out the stables. And I mean clean. And Eren isn’t allowed to help you because I know he’s been doing it for you all,” Levi stepped closer and Jean seemed to shrink.

“Yes sir…”

“Well what the hell are you still doing here?! _I said go_!” The whip of his voice had Jean bolting out the door and Sasha laughing until she snorted. “What are you laughing about Blaus?” The laughter stopped and even Eren felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle. “You think you got off easy? That he’s the only one being punished?”

“But I--” her lip twitched.

“You were _stealing_ from our stores, right?” He walked off for the kitchen. “Follow me,” he pulled out a chair from the table and Eren held his breath, jostled out of the way by Connie trying to see what was going to happen.

 _What’s he up to?_ Eren’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, glancing at Armin.

“I don’t know,” Armin mouthed with a shrug. Eren knew Levi better than any of them and if he was confused certainly the rest of them were.

“Come on, gather around, I’m going to show you what happens when you steal from me,” Levi told the others and Historia stared him down. He could almost hear their little heartbeats.

“Haha so… what are you going to do?” Sasha asked nervously as she sat down.

“You are all far too casual with your superiors. Sloppy training, bad discipline, poor manners,” Levi caught Sasha’s wrist. “Where I come from thieves are punished very specifically.”

“What?” Suddenly there was horror in her voice and he slammed her hand down on the table, a knife glinting in his free hand.

“How many eggs did you take?” He asked as she watched him with wide, fearful eyes. He could feel her pulse like a rabbit’s beneath his fingers and it almost made him smile.

 _He’s bluffing,_ Eren swallowed. Maybe. Could he really be sure that he was?

“C-Captain this isn’t--” Sasha’s face was torn into a sick smile, drawn up and wide in terror.

“Eren said punishing you doesn’t work, right? Making you run laps or clean the dirt from between the floorboards that you’ve tracked in… well if those don’t work then we have alternative methods. This is one of them.” He lifted the knife. “You don’t need your ring finger or your pinkie right?” He glanced at Eren, wondering if the boy was about to stop him.

He did seem to be hovering in a state of queasy nerves, even Armin was staring at him to see if he’d do something. If _someone_ would stop Levi from doing what he was about to do. Mikasa’s eyes were glinting but she was too far from the room, even if her muscles were tensed for attack, and Historia had her hands over her mouth; too terrified to say anything.

“Wait stop!” Sasha screaming as the blade came down nearly drowned out Armin’s voice, the thunk of the blade was a finality as Connie froze in place.

“You--” Connie’s face was pale and his hands were shaking, straining against a force that had caught him.

“M-Mah?” Sasha opened her eyes and found the blade perched beautifully between her fingers and she shivered, tension falling from her shoulders as she dropped her head on the table. Levi made a soft noise of interest, wrenching the knife from the table.

“I won’t miss next time, I suppose my concentration was off,” but Eren knew that was a lie. If Levi wanted to hit something he’d hit it, this was a warning; a scare tactic. His eyes met Levi’s and something passed between them; a calm reassurance of trust. “You didn’t even flinch, Eren. I thought you might call my bluff.”

“Nobody called it for me,” Eren replied calmly.

“Good,” Levi hummed and Armin was suddenly terrified of this man. Who on earth could make Eren submit so easily, make him trust them enough that he wouldn’t even speak up against injustice? “Now the rest of you had better eat and get your asses out to the trees. I want maneuver drills done by lunch.”

“Yes sir!” Everyone answered but Mikasa, watching him closely with fire in her silver eyes.

 _I’ll have to deal with that eventually_ , Levi thought as she stared him down. _She never did understand what happened at the trial._

“Blaus get your ass up and into your gear,” he snapped and she scrambled away in a hurry.

“Yes, sir, thank you sir--” she said hurriedly as she vanished around the corner… he was certain she wasn’t going to be stealing from his chickens again.

 

* * *

 

Honestly Eren never expected to be done with drills by lunch time, not with Levi driving them; weaving between trees and giving commands. He was correcting techniques, making sure they were working together, and of course Eren was the show pony. Levi had already trained him, had already spent hours working him into the team, he didn’t need to say much more except small corrections in his movements. Not that that stopped him.

 _We’re starting from scratch_. Eren soared past where Levi was landing to help Armin adjust the lines of his gear, ears pricking.

“Eren! Titan on your 7!” Levi called a drill and Eren’s heart dropped, veering for the instructed direction. “Kid’s so nosy,” he muttered as he tugged on Armin’s grapple line.

“If I may, I have a question for you,” Armin told him and braced himself to help free the tangle.

“You don’t get to ask questions until you learn to maneuver properly, shitstain,” Levi answered gruffly and finally jerked the line free.

“It’s about Eren,” Levi’s eyes flickered and he glanced at this strange blonde boy.

“Ah about all of you spying last night, yes?”

“Well that… is one question I have.”

“He couldn’t sleep and I kept him company. That’s all there is to it.”

“You should know that Eren has worshipped you since he was a child. He knows everything about you, in fact I’m fairly certain you’re the reason he even wanted to _join_ the Scouting Legion.”

“Your point? I hope you’re getting to it quickly because I’m fairly certain I can hear Blaus and Springer getting tangled as we speak.”

“I don’t know what my point is, I suppose I’m trying to warn you. He’s obsessive and impulsive and I just don’t want him to make a bad choice.”

“You think I’m a bad choice?” Levi said bluntly and Armin flinched.

“That’s… I’m not…”

“You’re a lot like Erwin.”

“I’ll consider that a compliment.”

“You would,” and then Levi was gone, whirring off to find out where the shouts were coming from. _He’s a nice kid_. He mused. _Everybody’s protective of Eren._ As if he was one to talk.

 

* * *

 

Levi’s drills left them all dragging their heels in the dirt, trudging towards the house with shoulders slumped and blisters forming anew beneath their harnesses. With new techniques brought new burn points where their harnesses connected, they’d be even more sore the next day.

“Did you talk to Armin?” Eren asked, the last into the shed for equipment check, as he unbuckled his gear and laid it out for Levi to inspect.

“I talk to everyone in my squad, Armin is no exception,” Eren stared blankly at him. _He hasn’t called any of them by their first names_. He suddenly smiled. _He likes Armin_!

“Has Mikasa talked to you?”

“She glares at me like she wants me to spontaneously combust if that’s what you mean,” he rubbed a spot on Eren’s gear with a cloth.

“Heh I need to talk to her about that,” he said nervously. _Should I ask him about last night? Apologize for being so stupid_? He wondered why nothing had been said, why Levi hadn’t punished him yet for trying to kiss him… and what about that stupid flower crown? He cringed at the thought of it.

“Is something wrong?” Levi asked, setting his gear aside. “Looks good, for the first time, brat.” He loved the way Eren’s eyes lit up at his compliment. “Petra taught you well,” the instant he said it he regretted it; looking over at Eren.

“She did,” his voice was soft and suddenly the tiny interior of the tack room was stiflingly intimate.

“Eren I--”

“Don’t worry about it,” but the way his turquoise eyes deadened fucking _broke_ him and then it was Levi who was moving closer to try and console him, catching a hand into the sweaty strands of his hair and trying to return the kiss he’d been given the night before. Anything to make him close his eyes, anything to make it hurt less, anything to stop him from thinking about it. Anything to keep Levi from thinking about it.

It was maddeningly complicated, everything that had exploded between them in the past two days. Or had it really? Had it been there all along and Levi had just ignored it? Pushed it aside because Eren was his ward, the person he had to protect even with his own life? Wasn’t that the reason why it was wrong? Why he shouldn’t have his mouth latched onto this boy’s lip and why he shouldn’t allow trembling hands to catch his shoulders and why Eren shouldn’t be opening his mouth with all the finesse of a puppy.

Eren’s mouth tasted dry from practice, salty from what Levi could only assume was sweat on his lips, but the hints of sweetness was worth further exploration as he tightened his grip on his hair. _He hasn’t stopped me_. He pulled away and found the sight pleasing; Eren’s eyes half lidded and lips parted just slightly and glistening was one to behold.

Then there was confusion there, blazing like a fire in the eyes that only moments before had been dead and glassy and Levi thought that was an appropriate alternative. At least he wasn’t thinking again. _I’m going to have to let him think eventually_.

“Captain?” Eren asked. “I…”

“Forget about it, go clean up you’re sweaty and gross,” Levi told him and turned to remove his own gear, finally.

“Levi.”

Well that stopped him, “What is it?”

“Why… did you do that?”

“You’re not the only one that gets to be impulsive.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Eren I told you to go back inside and forget about it.”

“You can’t do this to me!” There was a touch of anger in his voice. “What do you want?”

“I want you to take a shower, brat, stop ignoring my orders,” he was regretting it. Regretting giving in. Why was he such an idiot? Why did this boy’s attention and knowing just what he thought of him distract him so much? _I can’t get close to him, what am I doing?_

“I--”

“That’s a _goddamn order_ ,” Eren lingered only a moment longer before walking back towards the house… more confused than he’d ever been in his life. _No more. Just let that be a slip up. A mistake that doesn’t matter_. But when Levi licked his lips he could still find the bittersweet taste of Eren’s mouth there and he clasped his hand over his face, closing his eyes to calm his nerves.

He was 15 and innocent. Fifteen and kind. Fifteen with the weight of the world on shoulders not yet broad enough to bear it. Fifteen on the cusp of manhood with a rough voice and rougher hands. _Fifteen_ and hopelessly running after Levi professionally and personally.

_Probably not a good choice, kid._

* * *

 

Connie swept the floors, making sure to carefully push out any dirt he found in the seams of the wood floor because he wasn’t about to be subjected to the torture the others had been. He picked a piece out and glanced around; making a show of getting dirt from Levi’s doorframe. Then he pushed open Levi’s door and glanced around at the tidy surroundings. He knew if he got caught he’d be in trouble but he needed to know if Levi really _had_ been wearing a flower crown of all things.

It was such a silly thought, a crown on the head of the titan slayer. He licked his lips and walked towards the bedside table, tracing his finger along the edge of it. He couldn’t see it anywhere else so he wondered if… just maybe…

”He could have thrown it away,” Connie jumped when he heard a voice behind him.

”Oh shit Jean you scared me…”

”Sorry… I was thinking the same thing as you…”

”Ugh you smell like manure.”

”How many fucking showers do I need to take before I don’t? Captain Levi is going to be checking under my fingernails too… he’s still displeased with my cleaning but I’ve been doing it all day… and I’m going to have to do it again tomorrow…” he grumbled and sauntered into the room.

”I think I’m going to look… while he’s busy…” Connie glanced over their shoulders once more before slipping his finger through the drawer pull.

”This is nerve wracking just pull it already!” He hissed.

”What’s going on in here?”

”Shit!”

Nobody bothered to ask why Jean and Connie were eating dinner in the stables that night. And nobody was really sure they wanted to know why.


	4. Cauterize these wounds.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kitchen shenanigans. Horse jokes. Eren's new kink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all I wrote you an extra long chapter today because... I'm not really sure why but I'm working on 5 right now so look for that later this evening maybe? Damn this thing writes itself. Enjoy and let me know if anything's wrong. <3
> 
> tumblr: thingsishouldntbedoing
> 
> Also I had some fabulous art drawn from chapter 2 already and I'm completely in awe so if you want to check it out either head to **tagged/fic:+aot+clarity or thingsishouldntbedoing** to check it out.

Eren managed to avoid being alone with Levi in the tack shed the next day, hustling out to shower before everyone else. He seemed to be scrounging to find time to himself lately, picking at the remnants of his days and escaping to the confines of either an empty room or a hopefully empty washroom.

He stepped into the cold water, closing his eyes and letting it rush over him with a shuddering sigh, letting the pressure pound on his shoulders and back; tilting his head back to let it wash off the grime from their drills. He lifted his fingers and scrubbed the soap bar at his chest and neck, careful at the new hot spots that were blistering on his shoulders and hips. He was glad he’d slept the night before even if he didn’t feel rested, it meant that maybe the nightmares would stop and he could finally be back in a form that wouldn’t warrant yelling from Levi during drills.

At least it was an affectionate yelling and he didn’t have to deal with what Jean and Connie had done all day (scrub the entire stables down until they shone and then scrape chicken shit out of the coop) because he’d been there and done that and it was possibly the worst experience of his life. He remembered how Petra had laughed sadly for him and Gunther and Erd had offered to spray him down so he wouldn’t smell so bad. Chicken feces were the worst, but he laughed anyway at the thought.

“Eren!” He turned to glance at Armin almost groggily, dozing in the cool stream of water. “Levi wants to talk to us all.”

“I’m in the middle of a shower tell him to wait,” Eren frowned, long hair in soaked tendrils clinging to his eyelashes.

“He says _now_ ,” Armin emphasized and Eren sighed petulantly and turned the shower off. “Are you going to dress?” He asked as his friend wrapped a towel around his waist.

“What like it’s anything you all haven’t seen? When we’re done I’m coming back and finishing my shower.”

“Well alright then,” Armin chuckled and followed him out. “Did you use the shampoo I set out for you?”

“What shampoo?”

“I didn’t think so, why don’t you ever wash with anything but soap?”

“Not all of us want to smell like… whatever flower it is that you like so much…”

“It’s called jasmine you jerk and I’ve told you before that’s not mine!” Armin shoved him gently as Eren laughed.

"Finally," Levi frowned just slightly as the two boys walked in, eyes flickering over the damp skin of Eren's chest. He was still soft and firm in a way the Scouting Legion's veterans were not; unused yet to harsh survival outside the walls, frame still slopes and curves instead of hard, wiry muscles all sharp angles and bones. It was tempting in a way Levi hadn't considered before now, to remember what it felt like to be young and soft beneath pliant hands; if Levi ever had been either of those things. "Jaeger where are your clothes?"

"My shower was interrupted and I'm going back after," everyone was now looking at him through Levi's comment... appraising him with interest in some cases.

"In any case," Levi found Mikasa's eyes boring into him; pursing his lips under her stare. "There needs to be something done about this kitchen."

"I cleaned it this morning," Eren protested.

"Did I say you had to do it? No. Besides I'm not talking about cleaning -- I mean the poor cooking skills among you."

Armin made a sound and looked over at Eren just as Mikasa did, crushing the noise beneath his fingers. Levi glanced over as well, just in time to catch the sharp jerk of Eren's head in apparent response to whatever had just passed between the three of them.

"What's going on?" Connie asked tiredly.

"Probably something above your pay grade, Connie," Jean replied, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I think Eren is hiding something," Historia chuckled.

"My embarrassment at standing here naked in front of you all."

"You've got no shame, why would you be embarrassed?" Armin teased and Eren scowled at him.

"Hey!”

“Regardless of whatever weirdness the three of you have going on the problem still stands: whoever has been cooking dinner is a piss poor cook,” Levi said and Historia rubbed the back of her neck. “So each night this week I’m going to assign one of you to cook until I find someone I like,” he didn’t fail to notice the way Eren’s bare shoulders tensed and the way he glared at Armin once more at the jab to his bicep. “After careful consideration I’ve chosen Blaus to be first since she seems to do the least amount of work around here.”

Jean was just glad it wasn’t him, tilting his head slightly at Armin’s almost excited exchange of glances with Mikasa-- what the fuck was happening?

“Can I finish my shower now?” Eren asked. “Did I really need to be out here for this?”

Levi ignored him, “Tomorrow morning we’re going to start running a few new drills. Ground to air maneuvers that Erwin’s been adamant we practice.”

“Ground to air? But it’s almost impossible,” Sasha murmured.

“Doubtless you think that, but it’s not impossible, simply difficult and misunderstood. If you can maneuver from horseback you can maneuver from the ground and it shouldn’t bother you that much,” Levi sipped his tea. “Who made this?” He wondered aloud.

“I did,” Eren said as if he were worried about being reprimanded.

“Hmm,” Levi looked at him with glinting steel blue eyes that made his insides shiver nervously. “It’s good, go shower.” He took another drink to hide the curl of his lip at the excitement that bubbled into Eren’s eyes.

“Yes, sir!” Eren nodded and hustled off for the washroom, feeling better than he had before.

Levi glanced at Mikasa out of the corner of his eye, at the way she glared at him openly and her knuckles blanched against her fists. _Yes, I’m going to have to deal with that._

* * *

 

When Eren walked out to dinner he was met with the scent of-- “Potatoes, Sasha?”

She grinned broadly, standing at the stove as her concoctions cooked, “Yes! All kinds of potatoes! Roasted potatoes, baked potatoes, potato boats, scalloped potatoes, au gratin, potato stew!”

“Is this punishment for the potato jokes?” Jean muttered to Armin and the blonde grinned in return, patting his forearm consolingly.

“You know Levi isn’t going to like that you used up all the potatoes…” Eren muttered.

“I didn’t use _all_ of them!”

“Did you cook anything else?” Eren walked over and looked at what she was doing.

“Hey it’s my cooking night, Eren,” Sasha said grumpily.

“Sure but that’s not what I asked, did you cook anything else to eat?” Eren repeated his question.

“I uh…”

“This is all too starchy we won’t be able to move tomorrow…”

Jean noticed the hope in Armin’s blue eyes, tilting his head curiously. _What’s going on here that I don’t know about?_

Mikasa’s face remained passive but she had caught the fabric of Armin’s sleeve between three fingers. “He’s not going to do it,” she said at barely a whisper and Armin shushed her.

“Well if you’re so smart why don’t you do it?” Sasha challenged, upset her little joke didn’t go over the way she thought it would.

There was an air of tension worthy of a romance novel between everyone in the room. Historia and Connie and Jean watched Mikasa and Armin who were both half out of their seats in disbelief, leaning out over the table anxiously.

Eren hesitated until he had to give her an answer, “Where’s Captain Levi?”

“He said he’d be right back,” Armin pushed. _Come on Eren_. “You know we got apples out back that are hard to find these days…”

“And we have flour?” Eren muttered after a moment of thought.

“Yes,” Armin’s eyes lit up and Mikasa’s grip on his sleeve tightened.

 _I’m going to get into trouble… he knows I’m doing a lot of stuff for them while they learn…_ He glanced at his friend nervously. _But it’ll be worth it… at least maybe they won’t get into_ more _trouble…_

“Fine. But you can’t tell him anything,” Eren pulled an apron from the drawer. “And you all have to swear you’ll never say a word to anyone about this.”

“Eren? Cooking?” Jean snorted, expecting something other than the excited yelps from Mikasa and Armin. “What?”

“What do we need to do, Eren?” Armin asked, hurrying around the table.

“Go bring in ten apples and peel them, cut them into chunks. Connie bring a half pound of flour and Historia help me do something with some of these potatoes. Sasha I need whatever spices you can pull out of the store room, or if you can find me some sage that would be good… you might be able to spot it at the edge of the woods,” Eren was in control surprisingly quickly and before long everyone had their job except for Jean, who sat grumpily at the table.

“Well what the hell am I supposed to do?” Jean muttered.

“I have a special job for you,” Eren replied slyly.

“You really are like my mother…”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to have you do…”

“I don’t have to know! It’s going to be dumb.”

“Have you ever made strudel before?” Eren asked and Jean lifted his head, eyeing him curiously.

“We don’t have that kind of… where are you going to get a recipe?” And then suddenly everything made sense with the knowing grin on Armin’s face and Mikasa’s fervor to help Eren cook and just _why_ they had been so anxious and just _what_ all those looks had meant before. “You can cook?”

“I used to cook with my mom. She taught me how when I was a little kid and I never really forgot,” Eren hummed in reply and handed him a bowl of flour and a board. “Knead the dough until it’s fluffy and don’t push all the air out.”

“What? Really? Imagine that!” Connie laughed. “Eren as a housewife!”

“Hey! Do you know how to cook for yourself?” Eren waggled a knife at him before he cut up the potato in his hand. “Because if you don’t then I think you should shut up. Besides my mom was a housewife and…” He hesitated for a moment. “And she was one of the bravest people I knew,” he closed his eyes and felt Mikasa’s cool hand on his shoulder.

“You know when we first got here you were pretty quiet, it’s nice to have you back to your old self,” Connie said. “Don’t… let that feeling go okay? It sounds so selfish but…”

“I know what you mean,” Sasha added. “Even if you are the reason a bunch of shit happens… you’re the reason a lot of us keep going.”

“I…” Eren’s voice died on his lips as his squad looked at him expectantly and he felt his heart break. “Guys…” The trust, the kindness, the warmth in the kitchen nearly brought him to his knees. Even after everything that had happened… even after all those people had died because of him… these were people who trusted him… the way he had once trusted his life to people he could never forget.

“You light the way, Eren, you know that?” Armin caught his hand. “You push us on and we can fight knowing you won’t give up.”

He could almost see them. See the last remnants of their souls flickering in the room; laughing, smiling, keeping him warm and safe, reassuring him that everything would be okay. As if their spirits were here, mingling in this desolate cabin with his friends… giving their all to bring them strength in the coming battles.

This was his new squad, but the old would never leave him. Why did it take this moment of all things to remind him of that? All those people whose souls were bound to his… all those people whose sacrifices had kept him alive… His eyes met a pair of steel blue, watching him silently from the half open doorway to the kitchen, and saw the warmth there…

“I won’t stop,” he told those eyes. “I’m not going to stop until we’ve retaken Wall Maria. I won’t stop until we’ve taken it all and seen it all and been to all the places we’ve always dreamed of. The ocean and deserts and huge fields of flowers and places where the ground is so soft you fall into it and where the sky never ends beyond the shadow of a wall…”

 _It’s a good beginning, Eren._ Levi nodded slowly, watching Armin embrace him, eyes never wavering from those beautiful turquoise irises. _It’s time you started healing._

* * *

 

“Damn, Eren this all smells so good…” Connie couldn’t help the drool that was gathering in his mouth as Eren laid out all the food with Historia’s help.

“It does smell delicious, I’m always surprised by you,” Historia chuckled. “The sage was a nice touch, Sasha.”

“I worked so hard for it,” she groaned in response. “There was a deer there that just looked… so delicious…”

“You heard Armin, no hunting,” Jean chided.

“Sure, sure.”

“Where’s Captain Levi shouldn’t he be back by now?” Armin asked curiously, watching Eren stare down Levi’s seat at the head of the table.

“I should go look for him…” _I saw him earlier outside the door_. He was starting to realize that he had never bothered to ask him any of the questions he had.

“Look for who? I’m assuming you mean me?” Levi asked as he walked from the other side of the house. “I was in my room you dipshits, you think I can’t hear you?”

“About time!” Sasha said happily as he sat down and adjusted his cravat.

“Did you make my tea right?” He asked Sasha curiously, as if he didn’t already know what had happened.

“T-Tea? Y-Yes sir! To your specifications.”

“We’ll see I suppose,” he took a sip and they all waited with bated breath. “Mm… Eren you used too much cream again.”

“E-Eren?” Sasha said nervously and the titan shifter sighed.

“My hand was shaking okay?” Eren muttered.

“Hmph well my tea is fine, let’s see about your dinner,” his eyes found Sasha again.

“Yes sir!” She nodded and finally dinner was served, the squad talking amongst each other easily.

“Hey Mikasa tomorrow can you show me how you do that spin you do?” Connie asked.

“It’s easy you just have to disconnect one of your lines and redistribute your weight to the side you want to spin,” Jean said as he accepted a plate that was being passed around.

“Yeah but every time I try it I smash into something.”

“Well you’re not fast enough on the withdrawal and release of the next line because that momentum should keep you moving.”

“It might be because you’re using your arms too much,” a third voice offered its opinion, joining the fray. Levi appraised Eren to his right for a moment, then look at the others. “I find that Shadis relies too heavily on the movement of his arms and teaches you all the same way.”

“Who taught you?” Sasha asked curiously and Levi’s eyes flickered.

“I learned,” he answered and stared at Jean for a moment. “Hmm…”

Jean looked uncomfortable, then turned his head to find Armin sitting across from him. Their eyes met and Armin looked away, hiding his face behind his hair, managing to force his gaze down onto his dinner plate. He’d been acting strangely for a while now and all Jean could think was -- _What have I done_? He watched the blonde with interest, tilting his head, until he felt eyes on him again. _What now_? He looked back and found Levi staring at him over his tea cup.

“Hey Jean what are your calibrations? I know your triggers are really sensitive right?” Connie was asking him a question and he was forced to look away from Levi.

“What are you up to?” Eren asked Levi curiously, tilting his head.

“I’m making Kirchstein as uncomfortable as possible,” Levi answered and Eren smiled against his fork as he took another bite.

“You are a very petty person when you want to be, aren’t you?”

“Me? Petty?” He let out a ‘hff’ as Jean looked back, starting to look a little queasy.

“You’d hold a grudge against a snail that crossed your boot.”

“You think so little of me, Eren.”

“I think you’re prett--petty…” Well that was an odd slip of the tongue and he didn’t miss the way that muscle at the corner of Levi’s mouth twitched against a smile.

“You know…” Levi said aloud as Jean finally looked sick enough to stop eating. “You were right, Eren.”

“Huh?”

“He really does look like a horse,” Levi nodded and the light of life vanished from Jean’s eyes, clapping his hands over his face as Connie and Sasha laughed.

 

* * *

 

Levi sighed heavily, leaning back on his elbows and looking up at the stars above him. Too many to count, too few to matter; what a sad sentiment when he really thought about it. Like their numbers, like the scouting legion. If they had 100 Levis or 100 Mikasas then maybe the world could be an easier place but...

“Ah now who’s the one not sleeping?” A body joined his, offering a tea cup down to him.

Just one Eren might be enough to make up that difference.

“What the hell are you doing out here?” He accepted the warmed strudel next, watching Eren flop down into the grass. “Thank you.”

“Welcome.”

There was a long silence between them as Levi sat and sipped his tea, wrinkling his nose in distaste at the crumbs of the strudel (not that they stopped him from eating all of it). He had almost begun to wonder if Eren had gone to sleep, looking over to see his chest rising and falling comfortably, arms folded behind his head.

“Are you comfortable with me?” Levi asked softly and Eren looked over.

“Of course I am, Captain.”

“Okay,” he seemed to accept that answer and Eren sat up, watching him curiously.

“Why do you ask me that?”

“Sometimes I have questions, Eren, and sometimes I want them answered.”

“How are you?” His eyes met Eren’s, flickering as the boy leaned towards him with interest.

“I am the same as always, what a stupid question.”

“You’ve been distant.”

“Eren it’s like you don’t know me.”

“Why do you always have to answer me like that?” His eyes softened and tanned fingers crept over to touch Levi’s bracing hand in the grass.

“Answer you how?” When he made no move Eren took that as a cue to curl their fingers together and scoot a little closer.

“You _know_ how. Why are you so frustrating?”

“You’re full of questions today.”

“Hey! I wanted to discuss something and you’re not taking me seriously,” Eren reached over to dust a bug off his cravat and a pale hand caught his.

“I always take you seriously, Eren,” he could see the palest shimmer of grey around Levi’s pupils in the starlight. “Don’t think that for a second I don’t take in everything you say,” the intensity of his gaze stole Eren’s breath.

“Then why don’t you ever answer any of the questions I ask you?” Eren asked curiously, letting him examine his right hand.

“Because you don’t always deserve an answer yet.”

“That’s…” the gentleness of fingers running over where his hand was so often brutalized made his eyes shutter closed. “Uhm…”

 _Well that’s interesting_ , Levi brushed his thumb over the inside of his wrist before rubbing the pads of his fingers against the curve of Eren’s hand, over the soft flesh surrounding his first metacarpal bone.

“What’s… going on?” Eren wondered why such gentle touches were sending electric shocks up his arm and down his spine, the fingers of his entwined hand tightening on Levi’s.

“I’m not sure,” there was a touch of amusement in his voice.

“N-Not that I… mean what’s going on here? You… kissed me and told me to forget... now I’m confused you’re being so--” his eyes widened as his captain brought his hand to his mouth and pressed dry lips to the soft skin. It was so sweet and kind with the slightest hint of suction and Eren was surprised to find what an effect it had on him. Be it emotional or physical just the wave of feeling that rushed over him had him swallowing down his heart and then he was drawing Levi over and their mouths were crushed together once more beneath Eren’s inexperience.

Levi didn’t draw back this time, curling his fingers into Eren’s hair and holding him there. It had been so long; he was far more nervous than someone who was in his thirties should be and he was lucky the butterflies in his stomach didn’t just escape out through his mouth the moment their tongues touched and slid against each other.

Eren was as eager as ever, kissing him back with a fervor that Levi wasn’t sure he’d experienced before. He tried desperately hard, applying the same determination and willpower he did to everything, mimicking the movement of Levi’s mouth and modifying it as he saw fit to suck lightly at Levi’s tongue to leave the older man breathless at just what this boy was capable of sometimes. He lost himself then, curling an arm around Eren’s broadening shoulders (wider than he remembered to be sure) and let the boy’s arm wrap around his waist curiously… and for that moment and that moment alone there wasn’t anything to worry about.

Eren made him feel that way sometimes, had since they’d first met. His stupid sleepy smile and his horrible manners and his innocent questions… everything about him drowned Levi in _hope_ that left him blown over and desperate for more. He made him feel like anything was possible through Eren’s power alone, as if there was nothing on the other side of those walls and they could simply fly up and away and never look back because Eren would be there. He was starting to scare himself, thinking so seriously about this boy.

When Eren’s fingers found the fabric of his pressed, white shirt beneath his cloak Levi drew away, cringing a little when Eren licked at and disconnected the strand of saliva between their mouths almost guiltily. _I can’t decide if that was disgusting or adorable_. Levi thought a little sourly but the look of eager attentiveness from his subordinate was enough to make him sigh.

“Tell me… something?” Eren whispered, “Tell me what’s happening.”

“I can’t Eren.”

“Why not? You can’t keep this up! It’s been...” But now that he thought about it… it was more likely that Levi hadn’t even noticed anything until now. That Levi hadn’t been practically pining away all these years after his hero… come to think of it-- “Are you gay?”

It was such a blunt question and all Levi could do was offer a confused sort of smile, “At some point in your life you’ll realize that sex doesn’t really matter. No matter who the person is.” _You’re lying to yourself if you say you’re not interested in this boy._

“Oh…” Eren hesitated, confused in return.

“I’m a titan killer, Eren, not someone’s boyfriend.”

“You could be mine,” he said quickly and watch Levi’s thin eyebrows lift. “I-Well I mean… uhm…”

“I’m sorry, Eren, that I keep acting this way towards you and confusing you.”

“It’s really confusing but…” He wouldn’t trade what little time he’d had with Levi for anything in the world.

“Well I’m going to make it a lot less confusing. From this moment forward our relationship needs to stay professional, understand?” Levi told him and he could almost see his heart break. “There’s too much riding on both of us,” he stood up and dusted himself off. “I’m sorry I let this happen.”

Then Eren was on his feet and Levi was being swept up into arms he didn’t remember being that powerful and his mouth was crushed against lips that were not quite practiced but not as sloppy as their first time and heat was coiling tightly in his belly in response to the way Eren’s hand was lacing into his hair, the way his other hand gripped his hip hard enough to bruise.

“Stop saying shit that you don’t mean it’s getting irritating.”

“You’re irritating, you fucking insubordinate brat,” he caught his hand against his forehead. “Quit kissing me!” Denied access to his mouth Eren’s lips found his pulse point just by his collar and Levi couldn’t help the shuttering of his eyelids.

“Give me a chance.”

“I’m not that kind of person.”

“One chance.”

“Eren.”

“Who else is there?”

“You’re insane!”

“If I’m insane then so are you,” Eren responded as Levi tried again to push his head away, straining against his powerful palm. “You keep kissing me back and it’s not going to stop. It won’t just magically go away!”

“I can make it!”

“But do you want to?” Their foreheads banged together when Levi let Eren’s head go.

“Ow! Shit you piece of-- what the hell was that for?”

“Shh you’re going to wake everybody up!” Eren grimaced, one eye closed.

“You have a fucking hard head!”

“S-So my mother tells me.”

“God damn will you let me go?”

“Sorry…” Eren dropped his arms and Levi dusted himself off ceremoniously. He watched Levi look off to the side, eyes almost mournful in this light.

“Let me… give me time to think,” he said finally.

“What?”

“You heard me, asshole. Let me think about all this,” he couldn’t say he didn’t like the way Eren’s eyes lit up again.

“You changed your mind,” Eren said softly as Levi turned to walk back into the house.

“We only regret the decisions we didn’t make. I want to make sure I don’t have any more regrets,” he looked at him, cast in the light from the kitchen.

“I wouldn’t regret you. I don’t regret you.”

“Just make sure it stays that way,” Levi turned once more. “Oh by the way…”

“Yes sir?”

“Stop fucking babying them,” he glared at him over his shoulder. “As punishment you’re on kitchen duty until further notice. But if I catch you doing something for any of them ever again I swear to god--”

“My cooking was that good huh?”

“Shut up Eren and go to bed, don’t help them again,” but Eren caught the ghost of a smile on his lips as he shut the kitchen door behind him.

 _He’s going to think about it!_ He threw his shirt off and climbed into his bunk, spreading out on the rough blankets and lifted his right hand, fingers brushing where Levi’s had only a few minutes before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The horse joke based on [this](http://blog.catherineaurora.net/post/66362742778).


	5. Broken.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some idiots make mistakes. Mikasa's done with Levi's shit. Eren oh my god baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a fun one! The next is their trip into town~ IS THAT A CHRISTMAS ALLUSION I HEAR IN THE DISTANCE?!
> 
>  **tumblr:** thingsishouldntbedoing
> 
>  **tracking:** fic: aot clarity
> 
> DEDICATED TO [KYOJINQUEEN](http://kyojinqueen.tumblr.com/) BECAUSE STAY STRONG MY LOVE <3

Eren wasn’t all that surprised that a storm was brewing in the kitchen when he woke, padding into the room to find his friend in their pajamas arguing about… well what weren’t they arguing about anymore?

“What’s going on? Captain Levi’s still asleep,” Eren told him. He’d checked, peering into his room to find him curled up under his sheets with his face nestled into the pillow curled up against his forearms. It would have been cute if Eren wouldn’t have seen the hilt of a knife beneath the swell of the pillow.

“We apparently forgot a few things in town the other day,” Armin looked over the paper on the table. “I’m not sure how…”

“Probably because there were too many people shopping…” Mikasa said. “I’ll go pick up the rest of the stuff.”

“Mikasa! You have got to rest,” Armin told her seriously. “You can’t keep doing all this!”

“Shopping isn’t stressful,” Mikasa protested. “I can pick up what we need.”

“ _No_. Armin’s right you have to stay and rest,” Jean told her. “I’ll go and get it, it’s not a big deal.”

“You’ve got to clean the chicken coop today,” Connie told him.

“Well hell maybe I was trying to get out of that,” Jean snapped.

“That means someone else will have to do it and none of us want to do _your_ job, Jean,” Sasha added.

“I do all the work around here anymore!” Jean protested loudly.

“Oi… What the fuck is going on out here?” A gruff voice reached them and all the heads in the room turned to look at him.

“Uh…” Eren hesitated, knowing that they’d all get in trouble if they told the truth. _He told me not to help them anymore_ … “I guess I didn’t write down all the stuff on the list we needed and--”

“Shut up, what’s happening? You, Armin, what’s going on and don’t let this asshat answer first,” Levi gested at Eren.

“Uhm… w-we forgot a few things at the market a few days ago and are just now feeling the stretch… likely because--”

“You were all careless,” Levi finished. “Of course I understand.”

 _Does he sleep with all his clothes on? How did he get into them so quickly_? Eren frowned at his Captain curiously.

“Alright well since none of you can do anything right I’ll go do it myself, and all of you can spent today running drills until you pass out and if you’re all not achingly sore and unable to move by the time I get back then consider yourselves _beat_ because I will run you ragged until midnight anyway. It’s about time all of you learned some discipline, Eren get dressed; you’ll come with me.”

“What?” Eren blinked.

“I’m not fucking repeating myself,” he turned and made his way back to his room. “Ackerman you’re to rest today, understand me? If you run drills I’ll kick your ass and you’ll wish you hadn’t disobeyed me yet again.”

 

* * *

 

“Eren can I talk to you?” Mikasa’s voice interrupted him and he finished stomping his foot into his boot.

“Sure, what’s going on?” He looked up at her innocently, eyes bright and warm with affection.

“I don’t like the way he treats you,” she told him after a moment of silence, shutting the bedroom door behind her.

“Who? Levi?”

“Yes I… don’t like it, he’s already hurt you and now you… he’s so cruel to you… making you do all these things and trying to humiliate you.”

Eren’s face softened at her concern and he stood up to face her, “Mikasa… he’s… I’m certainly not going to make any excuses for him. He’s a hard captain and he works us all hard. He expects perfection because it’s what’ll keep us all alive out there and he knows that. Probably better than anyone. He needs a team that will follow his every word and work seamlessly together.”

“That doesn’t mean he has to act the way he does to you!”

“He acts the same way to me he does everybody else, Mikasa, nothing’s changed. Sometimes he’s a little more gentle but…” the nighttime images of his face cast in moonlight, fingers brushing the flowers on his head, the way his eyes had softened in the tack shed, how his mouth felt against Eren’s; and now the night in the grass where he said he’d _think about it_ \-- all of it flooded into his mind at that moment; he had to look away from his sister. _He has been acting differently towards me but not in the way you think_.

“ _Gentle_? He had you out there chopping wood until you were half dead!”

“Well somebody had to do it! And that was my own stupid fault for taking his order too seriously! And Mikasa I _needed_ that. I needed that chance to be alone and chop fucking wood because everybody’s walking around me tiptoeing around every topic that involves me and my emotions like you think I’m going to break!”

“Eren I just--”

“It’s fine, Mikasa, I understand…” he looked back at her finally. “And it’s… not just me I should be worried about… you’ve been through a lot and you keep refusing to rest and it frustrates me because if you don’t let yourself heal you’re going to be _useless_ outside the walls. Even Captain Levi stayed behind and rested.”

“What would _you_ do without me?” She asked critically, starting to look hurt.

“ _Survive_ Mikasa! You know what I did the first time I left? I _survived_ and came back home!”

“You wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for me!” Guilt shook her usually unshakable facade.

“You have to get it out of your head that you need to protect me! I don’t need protection! I need my sister that will fight beside me!”

“Why? Why do you think it’s not my job, Eren?!”

“Because it’s actually _Levi’s_ job to protect me!” It hit her hard enough that she clutched at her scarf and hid her face in it. “That’s is actual job description: Eren Jaeger’s Keeper. That’s why he does all the stuff he does because when push comes to shove, if I flip out and start hurting people, it’s _Levi’s_ responsibility to _stop_ me. It’s his responsibility to _kill_ me if need be. You shouldn’t be rebelling against him you should be learning from him! He picked you for his squad because you’re the best of the best and he needs that to keep me in line. Stop fighting him and just do what he says!”

“Everything he says is lies!”

“Levi is the only fucking person in this world that will tell you the truth, Mikasa, even if he doesn’t tell you the way you want; even if he hides parts of reality from you for your protection-- Levi is the only one you can trust.”

“You sound like some kind of brainwashed Wallist! Trust Levi, trust Levi, trust Levi. What the hell are you talking about anymore?” She was trembling now, terrified of her brother; terrified for her brother. Her only family. The one person she had left in the world that was slowly being taken from her. It was as if everything she’d been feeling for months was finally pouring out of her in this one moment; fear and anger and aggression. Fear that maybe, just maybe, she’d lose him forever.

“I’m talking about the only truth there is anymore. You have to trust your squad. They’re all you fucking have outside the walls. If you can’t trust them who can you trust?”

“You!”

“You’re a part of my squad, Mikasa! I can’t make special concessions just for you! I have to think about all of you and that’s what you don’t seem to get! I’m not the only person you have to worry about and you’ve got to stop thinking that way!”

“You’re the only one that matters!”

“What about Armin, huh? Suddenly Armin doesn’t matter? What about Jean and Sasha and _what about everyone else we’re supposed to protect?_ Why do I matter so much more? If I went down would you sacrifice everyone else to save me? _What if you were the only one who could help and you had to choose between me and everybody else?_ ” He slammed his hand down on top of the dresser. “Who the hell would you choose? Because it had better not be me! I can handle myself! And you can bet if I’m somewhere then there’s going to be--”

“Eren,” Levi opened the door to the bunkroom. “We need to get going,” he fastened his cloak around his neck, bearing down the weight of Mikasa’s gaze. There was venom there, anger that seethed from her figure as her hands clenched into fists.

“Yes, sir,” Eren nodded; still feeling the dregs of anger and aggression brought on by Mikasa’s dislike of his captain. Dislike of the person he was certain he was developing feelings for. He passed by Levi’s body holding the door open, missing the look that passed between his sister and his captain, but he didn’t miss the way the others in the squad glanced at him. _Of course they heard it all_. He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Mikasa,” she jumped when he said her first name, saluting rather begrudgingly. “Rest today, understand?”

”Yessir,” she murmured, hostility faded.

“I’d like to speak with you in private about any concerns you may have, if it will put your mind at ease.”

“With all due respect, there is nothing I would like to discuss with you.”

“Listen here, if you have a problem with me it’s about time you talked to me about it instead of taking it out on Eren. You’ve got talent, you little shit, and I’d like to see you not get crushed by some fucking titan because you were fucking _reckless_. Eren’s important; but he’s right, it’s time you started thinking as a we because I can’t have some maverick on my team that thinks they don’t need to rely on others,” his blue eyes burned her and she suddenly felt scolded… like she was a small child who’d been caught stealing the last loaf of bread. “You’re important to him… don’t push him away right now. He needs your support more than anything else. Just remember that he’s all you have left and… right now I’m all he has left.”

“That’s not true he--”

“Isn’t it? If it’s so true that Eren is all you have left… then I am all he has left of the life he became so adjusted to. His squad that he trusted with his life, that trusted him, all of that is gone now. But that’s not really true is it? I’m not all he has left.”

“No. He has me.”

“And Armin and Kirchstein… Springer, Blaus, Reiss. He doesn’t just have one person. Just like you don’t. Eren can continue to be important to you, but remember that others are relying on you not only to help protect them but to help them protect our linchpin. The person we’re all relying on, and if you continue to be emotionally compromised every time he’s in danger you’re not only a danger to yourself but to _him_ ,” his hand touched his leg, blue eyes dangerous.

“You…” anger sprang onto her face for a moment and he stared her down until her heart settled down, biting the inside of her lip.

“It may not be me that’s needlessly risking Eren’s life. It may be those who cannot remain clear headed in a dangerous situation; as I’ve said once before. Just think about that for a while, we’ll speak more when Eren and I return,” he turned and left her standing in the boys’ room despondently, fingers tangled into the scarf around her neck.

“Captain?” Eren didn’t like the look on his face when he walked out from the back room.

“Let’s go, Eren,” Levi gestured, glancing at the other squad members. “Start your drills as soon as you’re done eating, Kirchstein you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

“Yessir,” Jean nodded in response, visibly confused.

It had been one hell of a morning.

 

* * *

 

“You’ll need to put your hood on when we get into the city,” Levi said finally.

They had been trundling along in the horse cart in utter silence for a while now, passing between beautiful trees as they descended the mountain. Eren wasn’t too sure what to say; should he ask about Mikasa or maybe talk about the night before? _Is it too soon to ask if he’s thought about it?_

“Yessir,” he nodded. “Are you mad?”

“I like to think I’m quite sane.”

“That’s… not what I asked?” Eren was always caught off guard when he joked; even though they were more frequent than people believed. “Are you angry?”

“With? Come on, Eren, get to the point you’re as slow as a minute outside a locked latrine on Saturday night.”

“Heh…” _He’s in a good mood_ … He blinked as Levi shifted the reins in his fingers, resting his elbows on his knees.

“Well at least that got a smile. Do I just need to tell juvenile shit jokes to drag laughs out of you?”

“Hey! You’re the one telling them!” Eren protested. He hadn’t realized he’d spent the entire ride with his brows knitted and lips turned down.

“Telling the joke isn’t juvenile, laughing at them is. It’s like dick jokes. Laughing at a dick joke makes you a prepubescent moron but telling the joke with finesse makes you an adult.”

“I think you’re just trying to validate telling stupid ass jokes.”

“Stupid _ass_ jokes. That you laughed at anyway.”

“You wouldn’t call it a joke if you didn’t think it was funny,” Eren groaned at the emphasis in his sentence.

“I don’t think they’re funny, you do,” he would have smiled if he wasn’t so dead-set on irritating Eren.

“I think _you’re_ funny,” Eren corrected and Levi expressed his surprise with a shift of a brow and the crook of his lips. “I… well no you’re not really funny I just think it’s funny that you _think_ you’re funny if that makes sense?”

“You don’t make any sense, but I’m glad you think I’m funny,” there was a touch of amusement in his voice.

“I said I… mmmgghh…” Eren made an irritated noise in the back of his throat.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You are the most frustrating human being I’ve ever met,” but there was an involuntary grin tugging at his lips, likely from frustration.

“I don’t mean to cause problems between you and your sister,” he caught Eren’s attention now that he was in a better mood.

“Mikasa is causing problems between me and my sister, not you,” Eren frowned.

“I only heard what the report said in the courtroom but I know you two have been through a lot together,” Levi told him.

“Yeah… but I think I’ve scared her a lot.”

“That’s not your fault, is it?”

“Well I mean… if I…”

“Wouldn’t have saved your friend? If you wouldn’t have gone back to fight with your squad? If you wouldn’t have been caught-- blah blah we could start from Trost and none of it would matter. Because it’s not your problem. You’re her problem.”

“You’re chatty again.”

“I like Mikasa, I want to see her succeed. She has a lot of raw talent but no focus; no self control. Especially when it comes to you. I can’t have her abandoning my orders for you.”

“Oh she won’t!” Eren defended.

“Like hell. The instant you get into a pinch she’s there to save your ass,” Levi frowned at him. “I have to find a way to get through to her…”

“I don’t know… I’ve been trying for years to tell her she doesn’t need to save me all the time…”

“Hmm…”

“Sir?”

“What is it, Eren?” He looked over at him, heart soft in his chest. Eren made him melt in ways he wished he didn’t know were possible; made him do idiotic things like wear flower crowns and make out in the grass beneath a sky filled with too much light and not enough star and _believe_ that maybe something could change one day… _I’m really broken aren’t I?_

Broken to think that he of all people deserved to have anything to do with this bright shining boy. To snuff that light out with the blood and death that still dripped from his palms and the blades that were now simply extensions of him. To think that he had any right to this boy that was so willing to offer himself, who trusted him so deeply, who looked at him with eyes the color of a lake on a summer’s day and worshipped every angle of his face.

Broken to think he had any choice in the matter of falling for him. Broken to think he had any chance of resisting the arm that curled around his waist, the cheek that pressed gently to his, the hand that curled against the side of his face. To think that he could be anything but at Eren Jaeger’s gentle mercy.


	6. At the crossroads.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is finished thinking. It's time for him to act. But what choice will he make?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Wow this chapter was super late this week and I am SO sorry about that! Chapter 7 will be up Wednesday as normally scheduled! :)
> 
> tumblr: thingsishouldntbedoing
> 
> tracking: fic: aot clarity

Levi was almost smiling as they rode into the town, fingers laced with Eren's beneath their cloaks. It was easy to be with Eren this way, watching him fall asleep with his feet up on the front lip of the cart, hood pulled over his face. Eren’s thumb brushed against Levi's knuckles lovingly as he adjusted in his seat and sighed heavily. Levi liked the quiet moments when nothing passed between them; it meant nothing and everything.

"Looks like there's going to be a celebration," Levi pointed out, watching for the glint of turquoise beneath the hood as Eren lifted his head.

"What's the date?" Eren asked curiously and looked around. He could see shop keeps had already dressed their front windows with stockings and boughs of holly.

"December 15th."

"Oh shit... Armin's birthday was last month..." Levi felt his heart sink a little. He had adjusted long ago to the disorientation that came from living in the Scouting Legion, to not know what day it was or not realizing that months had passed while you were busy training... To not know that a friend's birthday had passed or that holidays had come and gone... Not that any of that really bothered Levi in the first place-- he didn't have any of those things to worry about, but the way Eren's fingers tightened on his made him sad.

"Maybe we can look around here to find him something?" Levi offered, slowing to a stop near the carriage house and pulling his hand from Eren’s.  
  
“Maybe…” The forlorn sound of his voice dulled his eyes and Levi caught his hand on top of his head.  
  
“Look forgetting stuff like that is… okay. It’s understandable. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”  
  
“I just… we have so little to celebrate, it just seems right to celebrate living another year.”  
  
“That’s what Life Day is for, isn’t it?” Levi asked. “To celebrate the lives we’ve been given yada yada yada?” He dismissed with a flip of his hand.  
  
“Yeah I guess so…” Eren followed him, looking around at what little shops the town had to offer and making a mental note to poke around the tiny bookstore he saw. “Maybe…”  
  
“That sounded like a hopeful maybe,” Levi followed his eyesight to a grocer with-- “Are you serious?”  
  
“Well! I mean… when was the last time we had anything to celebrate? I haven’t done anything for Life Day in years and--”  
  
“So you want to bring a fucking tree into the house? With all its pests and needles and sap?” Levi scowled.  
  
“I’ll clean it up! And keep it watered! The pine needles shouldn’t fall off if it’s well watered! We could… get some corn and string up popcorn and--”  
  
“And what? Grapple wires and potatoes?”  
  
“I just…” Eren started to look discouraged. “Okay, sorry,” Levi wanted to hit him for just how much that stupid puppy-face hurt his heart and left him aching.

“It’s going to rain,” Levi mentioned as they walked into the market, blowing hot air into his hands to keep them warm.  
  
“With this cold it’ll snow more likely,” Eren murmured, still recovering from the disappointment of not getting a tree. He knew he shouldn’t have expected it, that Levi would say _no_ it was too messy… but he’d let his hopes rise.  
  
Eren was surprised that of all things for Levi to take an extended amount of time doing it was _shopping_. But he supposed it shouldn’t have surprised him. He fussed over dried fruits and looked over every single ear of corn they were given with meticulous care. His dark blue eyes flicked over winter wheat and sacks of flour to be sure no weevils had infested them, handing what had been approved to Eren when he wasn’t wandering around absently to look at things.

Levi liked how peaceful Eren looked this way, humming to himself and inspecting a can of gourmet coffee with all the interest of a baby discovering its feet. He wasn’t even aware of the look on his face until Eren looked over and made eye contact, surprise painted on his features with bold strokes that brought a chuckle into Levi’s chest. He could almost see the fluttering of his pulse in his throat, feel the blood rushing to his face, and Levi’s eyes only softened further. He really was getting in too deep.  
  
Eren looked away in a hurry; clearing his throat. It was strange to see Levi looking that way, to see the soft curve of his lips and the warmth in his cold eyes… to know that he was looking at _Eren_ that way… he covered his face with his hands to hide the heat. _I need to know his answer._

 

* * *

 

“Oi! Are you going to the bookstore?” Levi asked, carrying a bag of flour out and dropping it into the back of the cart.  
  
“Can I?” Eren brightened up, standing in the bed and taking stock of everything they’d purchased.  
  
“Yeah, sure, go find him something,” Levi nodded and waved him off.

Eren liked bookstores, he always had, if just because it reminded him of his best friend; of times in their childhood when they’d snuck into the Shinganshina library and buried themselves into the books for hours. Or at least Armin would and Eren would simply sit and listen to his friend’s whispered excitements. His favorite part of Armin was his joy, the life in his eyes, the hopes and dreams that kept him pushing back against a world that threatened to crush him and bring him to a bone grinding halt with a resounding _bang._

And yet somehow he kept moving. Even if he wasn’t the strongest or the most brave or… no that was wrong. Eren found himself wandering between the shelves absently, trailing his fingers over cracking spines and worn covers like familiar friends from an easier time.

Armin was the bravest of his friends. He couldn’t think of a single person who had ever been as terrified as Armin, a person who had been as unsure of himself as Armin, who had become even half the man Armin was now. He was a tactician, highly regarded by Commanders from all levels of the military, included in even the most secretive of meetings; in some ways he had become more invaluable than even Eren.

Levi paused to warm his hands at the bookshop’s hearth looking over and finding Eren paging dreamily through a worn book near the back of the shop. He was humming tunelessly, long lashes fluttering over eyes that picked up and fondled each new word with interest, lips moving around ones he had trouble with in an almost childlike way. Levi forgot sometimes how early they trained them, how young this boy had been when he lost everything… They had schooling, Levi knew that, teachers that finished their basic skills like arithmetic and reading… but nothing beyond that. Why waste their time on titan fodder?

Eren glanced up and felt his heartbeat quicken, finding Levi’s soft smile upon him again. His stomach rolled over on itself and he wondered if slapping himself was an appropriate reaction to the way Levi’s face made him feel. How it made him shudder just a little in the best way, how it forced him to swallow down against the beating in his chest.

“Did you find something?” Levi’s voice was quiet and deep in his chest when he reached him, arms hidden beneath his cloak.  
  
“I-I think so…” Eren murmured, releasing the breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding. “It seemed… like an Armin book…” He liked the way Levi’s eyes shone when he looked up at him, how straight the line of his nose was and how soft his pale lips looked… how Levi made his heart patter when he leaned up. “Here?”  
  
“What’s wrong with that?” Levi whispered and touched their lips together, initiating a kiss for the first time. He caught his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, guiding him down and deeper until Eren was reaching down and under his cloak… but instead of going for his waist his fingers laced through Levi’s and he could feel his knees go weak. This boy, really, would be his downfall.

Here, in a tiny bookshop in the middle of nowhere, Eren was the only thing that mattered. The taste of his lips and the thump of his pulse against Levi’s thumb, the warmth of his mouth and the slide of their tongues together. Everything was markedly important and he wasn’t sure why. Everything involving Eren was important, he supposed, especially when the boy was pulling him closer with his free hand and the binding of a book was pressing against his spine and finally _finally_ he was giving into the idea that they could be something.

That maybe, just maybe, they could have something pure and unblemished between them. Something that meant more to both of them than either of them knew.

“I think we should get going,” Levi muttered into his mouth, drawing away to watch Eren’s eyes shutter open, to watch how his chest rose and fell beneath the labor of restraining himself. It was a pretty sight, Eren Jaeger’s face flushed with his turquoise eyes shining brightly beneath dark brows, pink tongue flicking out over his lips. Colors that mingled together to paint a beautiful picture of young love and wanton need. “It’s just a kiss, don’t get so excited.”  
  
“That was not just a kiss…” Eren replied as quietly as he could above the pounding of his heart in his ears.  
  
“Maybe it wasn’t…” Levi hid his shaking hands beneath his cloak, “Buy your book.”

 

* * *

 

Eren tucked his package into a pocket inside his cape, following Levi out; “Whoa!”  
  
“Yeah it started to snow while you were in there,” Levi watched the delight wash over his face, eyes and face colored once more in the cold.  
  
“Wow!” Eren said again, breathless with excitement of a different kind. The childish kind that meant you could spend hours rolling around in the snow and throwing fistfulls at friends and bowling each other over until everyone was soaked and shivering and laughing. Levi wasn’t sure he felt that way anymore, of if he ever had, but seeing Eren made him wish he could.

 _How do you do it, Eren?_ For Levi the snow meant quiet. Silence in the most deafening sense. For a time nothing would move and stillness was the way of the world, so quiet he could hear the soft susurrations of flakes dancing around each other, clumping together, falling to the gathering piles and drifts upon the ground. Usually it meant that another year was coming to a close. Another year of desperation and anger and futility was about to birth yet another year of the same… but something had changed this year.

Something that was currently balling up a clump of snow in its fists with a wicked sort of grin on its face. 

Something that was about to die.

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE JAEG--” The snowball hit his defending hand and exploded, spraying snow over his face and hair, melting and trickling down his neck and chest beneath his collar. That fucking grin was about to lose its pearly whites.  
  
“Aaah!” Eren was laughing as he started to run back towards the cart, half terrified and mostly giddy. He looked back over his shoulder to try and find him and his smile faded. “Lev--” he bumped into what, for a moment, seemed like a brick wall.  
  
“You think you’re cute, huh?” Levi caught his collar. “Fucking throwing snow at me,” the corner of his mouth betrayed his words, the light in his eyes playful.  
  
“You looked so serious!” Eren felt fear trickling down his neck, or maybe that was just ice. “Ah no!” He had a bad feeling as Levi dragged him off around the back of the cart. “I’m sorry I won’t do it again!”  
  
“You’re still laughing,” Levi said darkly and shoved him face first into a snow drift.  
  
Eren hadn’t stopped when he came back up for air, Levi walking back to the cart easily as he tried to wipe snow away from his neck, “W-Wait!” He scrambled to his feet, shaking snow off and starting after him. “Levi I--” He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the back of the cart, eyes wide.  
  
“Wait for what? I don’t want to be stuck on the mountainside in the middle of a blizzard, Eren,” Levi told him, pulling his hood over his head, again the curve of his lips betrayed him.  
  
“Y-Yessir!” Eren checked Armin’s book to make sure it hadn’t been damaged and threw himself into the seat of the cart. “Can we have a snowball fight when we get home?”  
  
“No.”

 

* * *

 

 

Eren had huddled close beneath Levi’s arm as they made their way back to the cottage, pulling both their cloaks around them against the snow. It was oddly intimate, Eren like a furnace beneath the cloaks with his face tucked into Levi’s neck, Eren’s breath hot against his ear, Eren’s arms around his waist. He liked it, somehow, being this close to him.  
  
“We’re almost there,” Levi told him softly. “Did you go to sleep?”  
  
“I’ve been thinking about whether I want to bite your ear or not,” Eren said bluntly.  
  
“I think you should reconsider whatever answer you had to that.”  
  
“I was thinking I shouldn’t.”  
  
“That’s a good answer.”  
  
“But you told me to reconsider my answer.”  
  
“Well I was kind of expecting you to be thinking that you should. In fact the mere fact that you were _considering_ and not just acting on it is a goddamn miracle-- Ah!” The warm teeth and barely-there flick of his tongue left him nearly paralyzed. Since when was this kid a goddamned tease?

“Eren!” Mikasa was the first out of the door as Eren sat up, pulling his cloak around himself once more. Levi desperately missed the heat of his body at that moment, cold sending shivers through his body. “You’re covered in snow!”  
  
“We’re okay!” Eren said brightly and stepped off the cart. “Can I help you, Captain?”  
  
“Help them get the shit out of the back,” Levi replied and stepped down.  
  
“Wow you guys got a lot!” Armin blinked as he walked around back.  
  
“No way!” Jean’s excitement spilled out of his mouth before he could contain it. “A tree!”  
  
“An evergreen! For Life Day!?” Connie rushed to look. “You guys got a Life Day tree!?”  
  
“Yeah!” Eren affirmed, dusting some of the snow off. “We thought that since we’d all be together we could have one!” He looked over to find his captain standing in the doorway to the house, watching, just as he always was… but this time Eren returned the soft smile, the gentle crease in his brows.  
  
And then…

The almost imperceptible nod, the flicker of nervousness on Levi’s face. The affirmation.

As if he were saying: “ _Yes. Let’s take the chance._ ”

 

* * *

 

“No you’re doing it wrong!” Connie protested and Armin almost stuck his finger. “You’ve got to put the popcorn on the needle like this and then--” he caught his wrist gently.  
  
“I think I can thread popcorn onto a needle, Connie!” Armin huffed, eyes flickering over to where Jean was sitting. Their knees touched together, pressing against the fabric that separated them, knuckles brushing when they reached into the same bowl; little touches that had them both blushing. Nothing had passed between them, not really, since their return from outside the walls; at least nothing worth mentioning to anyone else. Furtive looks and captured glances. Things that to anyone else would mean nothing, but when their skin touched-- it was like someone had shocked him.

Of course Armin knew what it meant. Armin knew everything, at least he tried to pretend he did: he knew what Eren’s looks at Levi meant and just how the Captain returned them when he thought no one was looking; he knew that Connie and Sasha slept curled together in the most innocent ways because both of them were too sweet and innocent to make a move; he also knew that Jean Kirchstein was as slow as molasses. He also knew that even if Jean ever planned to act on whatever he was feeling Armin would be eaten by a titan by the time he made up his mind. Or alternatively he would act too hastily and say something idiotic to screw it up. Armin wasn’t sure what Jean could say to turn him off at this point-- but he was also sure that Jean could think of something.  
  
“I’m going to go to bed,” Eren stretched. “Are you guys gonna stay up?”

“I’m not done with my popcorn string,” Mikasa told him plainly.  
  
“Yeah, I’m not really tired yet,” Armin smiled.  
  
“I’m gonna go here shortly,” Connie yawned, looking down to check on Sasha; sound asleep with her head in his lap. “Drooling again…” he grumbled and Eren handed him a napkin with all the patience of a mother.  
  
“Alright, don’t be up too late we have to run drills tomorrow,” Eren stood and walked back towards the hallway.  
  
If Armin leaned forward just slightly, just enough to pretend he was picking up popcorn, he could see where Levi was standing in the shadows of the hallway; waiting for Eren. He could see their Captain reach up and catch Eren’s face in his hands and maybe-- just maybe he could hear him say ‘good night’.

He watched them touch their foreheads together, Eren’s hands on Levi’s waist, resting there for a moment. It reminded him distinctly of his parents, letting go of the weight of the day through each other, lips touching lightly; just enough to be a kiss as whispers were exchanged. The sight this time, however, sent tingles down his spine and straight to his fingertips. The kiss that diverged, all at once sweet and deep and romantic, involved tongues and open mouths and Eren pulling Levi against his chest and--  
  
“Armin?” Jean’s voice broke his concentration and he sat back, face flushed and skin hot. “Are you okay?”  
  
“Y-Yeah?” Armin’s forced, awkward laughter made Jean smile nervously as Armin tried to get a hold of his breath beneath the eyes of his comrades. “I think I… felt sick all of a sudden…” He hazarded one last glance and found that they had vanished from the hallway. _Did they go together?_ He glanced at Jean to find his face curious, golden eyes concerned as he laid a rough hand to his forehead.  
  
“You look kind of feverish,” Mikasa told him.  
  
“I’m okay, really,” he brushed Jean’s hand away. _It’s okay._ But jealousy still burned in his stomach as he looked up at Jean. _Maybe it’s time I stopped hesitating?_ And from the way Jean’s eyes flickered down to his lips he had a feeling Jean wasn’t going to disagree.

“Uhhh… I’m gonna take Sasha and put her to bed so…” Connie was suddenly a little uncomfortable, the tension in the room had risen between his friends; making him huddle up Sasha in his arms. “Come on, Historia,” he whispered to her, sitting on her knees and watching Jean and Armin with wide, interested eyes as if she were watching the final scene in a play.  
  
“Huh?” She looked up and glanced back at Armin and Jean, “Oh…” Disappointment echoed in her voice before Mikasa was hauling her silently towards the girls’ room.  
  
“Where’d… everybody go?” Jean asked as Armin leaned in, turning his head just slightly and Armin felt his ire rise.  
  
“Jean!”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re an absolute idiot!”  
  
“What?!” Armin caught his face and jerked their mouths together in an inelegant first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Follow My Feet" by The Unlikely Candidates.


	7. Intimacy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi invites Eren to his room. It doesn't go quite as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a while because yesterday was a super anxious day. I hope you all enjoy this one it was a lot of fun to write.

_“Come to my room tonight,”_ the words hung in the air between them, a whispered solicitation that Eren couldn’t ignore. All he could do was nod, dragging his fingers against the fabric of Levi’s buttondown.  
  
Now the words were burning in his gut, hot and vicious and terrifying, rumbling around until anxiety had begun to set in. Why had he been forced to wait? What purpose did it serve except to have Eren sweating in his bunk, jumping every time the door opened and closed? Connie came in while he was in the middle of turning his heated pillow yet again, greeting him tiredly and in return Eren offered a queasy smile, telling him good night, before flopping onto his back and closing his eyes; trying desperately to calm his heart.

Each breath in was too cold and every breath out wasn’t enough, as if some residual air remained like the last drops of water in a canteen that you could only hopelessly shake for and watch slide back down into the bottom without falling. The feeling was some metaphorical idea that escaped him; like having a million insects crawling under your skin and making your muscles ache to move and stretch and run but suddenly everything was closing in around you and every decision you ever made was challenged by the idea that maybe _maybe_ you were wrong.

He had planned on waiting until the others had already gone to bed, until they were all sound asleep, but waiting any longer would have meant a lack of action. And who the hell knew where Armin and Jean were. He forced himself up and climbed down from his bunk, shivering a little at the cold of the wood floor beneath his feet as he padded to the door and poked his head out into the hallway, dark except for the flickering light of the hearth down the way, ears sharp in the dim light. He could hear a soft rustling, Armin’s voice warm and low in the quiet of the night, and Jean’s soft laughter. For half a moment he ached to go see, to find out what was happening, but he figured whatever it was it wasn’t his business, his business was waiting at the end of the hall. A hall he barely wanted to walk down with his shaking knees.

 

* * *

 

The bed creaked under his weight as he sat, lacing his fingers together to support his chin. Impatience had begun to build within him, and a sort of sickly nervousness that left him adjusting his hands and shifting his weight and standing once more because just the thought of sitting any longer drove him to his feet. _Is it Eren?_ He paused in front of the window to look out over the driven snow, pure and glistening in the half-moon glow. Pure and untouched and supple-- suddenly he wasn’t thinking about the snow anymore-- and that drove a pang of fear into his chest so bright and hot it nearly surprised him.

He’d meant it, that he wasn’t fit for a relationship with anyone; that he’d seen too much death and too little happiness and far too many foolish lovers lose absolutely everything in one swift bite. He’d seen all of it and yet here he was, drumming his fingers on the frigid sill of a farmhouse, waiting for a kid who knew as much about intimacy as Levi.

A kid that meant far more to him than anyone else had in too many years, and that thought was the most terrifying of all--  
  
“Captain?” The door opened just slightly, then wider to accommodate Eren’s broadening shoulders.

The thought that this boy had suddenly given him something to live for. To wake up each morning to see. Even if he woke up just to see the sunrise it wouldn’t fill Levi with nearly as much hope as the weak smile on Eren’s face as he shut the door. The burn in his chest spread and softened his scowling facade, warming his tired eyes as he turned to face the shifter and untucked his cravat; just to give his fingers something to do.  
  
What did he say? Levi couldn’t find any words to speak to the bright turquoise eyes that flickered in the gas light beside his bed, couldn’t bring himself to reach out to him or beckon him close, because that wasn’t how it worked for him. It wasn’t how his life had ever gone before. He didn’t _get_ to touch pretty things because it wasn’t his place.  
  
“Well?” Eren murmured, rubbing his arm unconsciously. “Should--” his voice broke “--sh-should I sit down?”  
  
“No,” the tension was palpable, thick and unyielding and Levi was left wishing that he wouldn’t have said such a stupid thing; that he wouldn’t have allowed himself to invite this boy in. Not that Eren needed an invitation, he wasn’t in the habit of listening anyway.

“What… what should I do?” Levi walked towards him, boots heavy on the wooden floor, reaching a hand up for him. “Huh?” Eren shied away for only a moment, an involuntary reflex brought on by military training, before allowing Levi to finger at the long strands of his hair. “Captain?” If he would have been perceptive, or perhaps if he wasn’t so nervous, he would have noticed the way Levi’s hand shook as it stroked his locks; the way Levi steadied himself by catching that trembling hand beneath his ear and rubbing his thumb against the hard line of Eren’s cheekbone.  
  
“Just relax, okay?” Levi murmured. “You’re not here to do anything you don’t want to do,” he wondered if Eren could hear the way his heart pounded in his chest, if he could tell that the only thing keeping Levi standing was the warmth of his skin in his palm. _If I fuck this up it would mean the end for us both._

Yet there was some peace in that thought. That it could end right at this moment and neither of them would have to suffer the thought of having someone else to lose. Neither would have to face the chance of losing someone with the potential to be more. _Only a fool falls in love in this world._ He brushed the pad of his thumb over Eren’s lips, studying his face.  
  
“I want to kiss you, Captain,” Eren murmured as he looked down at him; hands lifted in half-hearted indecision.  
  
“Nothing’s ever stopped you before,” Levi pulled him down.  
  
“No I…” Eren bumped the heels of his hands against Levi’s shoulders, watching his captain’s face sink into neutral territory once more. “I want to kiss you…”  
  
“Well fucking do it, then,” Levi told him. Eren’s warm hands engulfed his face, holding him still as he leaned down to press their lips together. For a moment it was chaste and soft, Eren’s nervous fingers catching on Levi’s ear and forcing an awkward apology out of his mouth. _He’s nervous._ He caught his hands and pulled them to his sides, rising on his toes-- god damn it-- to wrap his arms around his neck and bite his lip, delving his tongue into his mouth. It was awkward somehow, not the same as their spontaneous kisses from before that had been deep and arousing in all the best ways. _Why?_

“I’m sorry…” Eren whispered as he drew away, yet another apology.  
  
“What’s the matter?”  
  
“I… don’t know… I’m confused.”  
  
This was the reason why Levi had never been intimate, when he had been of the habit of fucking people it wasn’t about the _romance_ or the deep and lasting bond. It wasn’t about understanding each other or why it was happening. All that mattered was getting your rocks off and moving on. Years ago he would have scoffed at the thought of romance, even now he wanted to scoff, but what was standing before him told him otherwise. Eren told him it was possible, even if he wasn’t sure how.  
  
“Have you ever-- of course not. What a stupid question,” Levi sat down on the edge of the bed and pushed his hair back from his face. _He’s a kid._ He looked up at the boy fiddling with the hem of his shirt. _I have to do this right._ His breath caught in his throat as Eren’s face softened into confusion and concern, always eager to please. “Come here, Eren,” he offered his hand and pulled Eren close, stopping him between his knees.  
  
“I’ve never had sex,” Eren admitted as he let Levi run his hands up his sides, worshipping the soft slope of his hip beneath the fabric of his shirt.  
  
“Really?” It came out more mocking than Levi meant as he stood up. He wished he could sit still for just a moment, that the ache in his knees wouldn’t have him moving around so much. “What do you know about it?” If he could just keep him talking, fingering at the key around his neck absently.  
  
“Uhm I… w-well I mean we… we’ve talked about it you know?” Eren couldn’t take his eyes off Levi, watching the way he toyed at the hem of his shirt and pulled it up just slightly to trace his fingers against the sharp edge of his hip. The butterflies in his stomach beat their wings futilely against each other as he reached out his hand to touch the soft strands of Levi’s hair. “In the barracks…”  
  
“Ah of course… raging hormones,” Levi bunched his shirt over his hands and pulled it up and off. “And you never partook?”  
  
“I never… thought about it…” Eren murmured, tongue feeling too big for his mouth. “I-I mean I thought about it.” His eyes shuttered when Levi’s rough hands caught his neck, sliding over the firm angles of his shoulders. This wasn’t so bad, having Levi looking at him and touching him; talking to him.  
  
“I’m sure you did,” his deep voice was low and gentle as he smoothed his hands down his arms, pulling one closer to kiss the curve of his wrist and the slope of his thumb, to flick his tongue against the scar that was slowly forming through repeated impacts. He supposed Eren could only heal so many times before scar tissue formed.  
  
“People… people had sex all the time. I heard them. I tried to pretend I didn’t but we all heard,” Eren’s breathing had gone shallow, watching Levi through his lashes.  
  
“You don’t like women?” Levi asked softly, touching his lips to the hard line of Eren’s collarbone, fingertips racing the soft edges of his muscles. There was nothing about Eren that was particularly pudgy, he’d lost his baby fat, but his body had yet to take on the lean, hungry look of a Scouting Legion veteran. Like a lion without its pride that hunted sparingly and lived on carrion, wiry and flat. He was young and tender with tanned skin and curves that made Levi’s mouth water to explore them.  
  
“W-Women? I-I like them. They make nice…”  
  
“Nice what?” Levi smirked against the warm skin of his pectoral muscle.  
  
“Nice uh… nice sounds?” Eren offered, swallowing when Levi’s fingers began to learn the curve of his shoulder blades, mouth making cool lines on his chest. Eren gasped the first time Levi sucked, the first time he left behind a mark that Eren knew would soon dissipate. It left him sad, knowing that whatever transpired between them tonight would never be seen… he wasn’t sure why. He could remember hickies and bites on his friends’ shoulders and felt a faint spike of jealousy. “I want to take your shirt off.”  
  
“Sure,” Levi’s breath was shaky at best. He hadn’t considered the fact that Eren would want to see him naked. He wasn’t really sure why that idea make his fingers slip on the buttons of his shirt.  
  
“Let me,” Eren’s tanned hands worked at the fastens, knuckles brushing his skin in his excitement. He seemed more relaxed now, more confident, tracing his finger down the seam where his shirt hung open. Levi’s skin was soft and pale over thick, hard muscles that Eren compared half heartedly to his own; finally working the nerve to push the fabric away from his broad shoulders and cradle his hand against the curve of his neck. The hitch in Eren’s breathing was obvious, catching beneath his ribcage; abdomen trembling as he pulled the fabric away and took a step back.  
  
Levi lifted his hands as if to cover himself, adjusting their path to push his hair back from his face instead. Nakedness had him vulnerable in a way he’d never thought possible, Eren’s fingers were lightly touching the hard, shiny lines left by the maneuver gear along his torso and drawing him in with dark eyes that shone in the lamplight... but all he could think about was--  
  
“Scars,” Eren whispered, biting his bottom lip to rub his thumb over one that lay in line with his ribcage. He wouldn’t say Levi was _beautiful_ ; no, he was breathtaking in his own proud and stark way that words could only tarnish. Here before him was a warrior, a soldier whose life had been swallowed by the darkness of war. Who bore storied lines that crossed and returned and curved like brushstrokes of fate; a testament to survival; a stark and shining contrast to the sharp angles and hard lines and narrow hips that stole Eren’s heartbeat for the brief moment he had before their lips connected.

“Where are they from?” Eren whispered between soft kisses that pulled the air from his lungs, wrapping his arms around Levi’s waist. He wanted to see more, to feel the difference in textures, to learn the stories behind each piece of the mosaic that was Levi’s body; to kiss every line and taste every burdening word of a story he hadn’t been a part of.  
  
Levi swallowed his curiosity, tangling his fingers into his hair and kissing him fiercely, as if he could wipe away the questions with a rough swipe of his tongue and a few well placed bites to his soft lips. As if maybe he could forget about being vulnerable and opening up and all the bullshit he’d considered before.

As if he ever had a chance of resisting the soft moans in Eren’s throat and the way he pushed him down ever so gently onto the bed, the way he drew back; all dark skin and ruffled hair and rough breathing to look down at him, to trace his fingers along his body. He didn’t ask this time, taking his chance to lay clumsy kisses against each new discovery, circling his tongue against a nipple curiously and leaving a damp trail to kiss the other. He licked and kissed and sucked at skin, teasing at his bellybutton for a moment before curiously sliding his tongue in. It ripped some sort of strangled laughter from Levi’s throat, torn between amusement and arousal, and Eren lifted his head to look at him; as if he had ever stopped.  
  
“There are so many,” his voice sounded more normal than Levi had expected. By this point the teen should have been hot and ready but… while there was lust in his eyes and on his voice… something was off. Some different emotion was in control. Sadness, almost, a sort of emptiness that made Levi worry he’d done something wrong. Fear hit him like a shot to the heart and before he knew it he’d caught Eren’s face in his hands and brought their lips together. Anything to wipe away the pain evident on his face.  
  
“They’re just scars, they don’t hurt anymore,” Levi took a strike at what could be bothering him.  
  
“You have… so many stories,” Eren whispered, fingers trailing over the skin of his waist, hands trembling. “You’ve been through so much and…”  
  
“Eren… what’s wrong?” He nipped at his bottom lip, touching their noses together to search his half-lidded eyes.  
  
“I don’t,” he pulled one of Levi’s hands away and pressed it to the hot, smooth flesh of his chest. Deep below his palm, thumping tirelessly beneath skin and muscle and bone, Eren’s heartbeat fluttered hard and fast. A drumbeat for tireless anger fueled by endless determination. A war drum that pounded out the rhythm of a thousand soldiers’ footsteps towards endless destruction. The drumbeat for a broken soul, for a boy who could never return to the life destroyed by the creatures he hated most of all… a life destroyed, now that he knew, by people he had called comrades.

And what did he have to show for it?

“Eren…” His name spilled out of his mouth before he could stop the pain in his heart from forcing it out, pulling him into his arms and burying his face against his neck.  
  
“I’m sorry, Captain,” Eren murmured, curling his arms around his waist. “It’s okay…” His words were hollow, pressed into the crook of Levi’s neck before his mouth laid soft kisses on the skin available to him, trying to push back the feelings that had boiled to the surface.

Not now.

Not here.

But he couldn’t stop it, any more than he could stop being human. He couldn’t stop the way his body quaked in Levi’s arms and how his hot tears burned his eyes and hit Levi’s skin like summer rain, sliding down and catching in the grooves of the scars he’d admired, changing course and direction and shape with each added droplet until streaks of salted moisture had collected in the hollow of Levi’s collarbone and their mouths were sealed together. Until he was drowning himself, instead, in the warmth of Levi’s skin that drove away the cold fear and deep, trembling ache of loss and love forgotten.

Until Levi was pressing reassurances against his lips, soothing him with each stroke of a rough hand to his back; giving him room to breathe for only a moment until they met once more.

Eren spoke in the hot spaces between, clutching Levi’s head with one hand while the other tangled desperately with Levi’s. He muttered about his family, his friends, everything he’d lost into the air Levi breathed until it burned his lungs and left him gasping; pressing their bodies together and falling to the mattress with him.  
  
They laid there for what felt like an eternity, exchanging kisses and soft words as their limbs tangled and bodies pressed together. At this moment, a moment Levi would later repeat in his mind for years to come, he began to realize what everything that had transpired would mean. The meaning of those soft kisses and Eren’s light laughter and skin so close they could fuck but they _didn’t_. Instead they were junctioned together, wrapped up in each other, pressed so close they could share the same air and the same heartbeat and the same shameless, sloppy kisses; and that meant something. Something that left Levi’s chest tight and heart aching.

The moment brought a sense of comfort Eren hadn't felt in years. It meant spilling all the broken pieces of his soul into the air like glistening glass stained with the sounds of screams and shattered dreams for someone else to sort through and make sense of. It meant that for a moment there was someone who knew everything he was, inside and out. That there was someone who knew the monstrous and vicious sharp edges to the blade that was his heart, and accepted it without dulling the ferocity. Someone who knew that somewhere, deep below the anger he hid it beneath, sadness and pain still reigned supreme.

For both of them it meant that they now had something much more to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: thingsishouldntbedoing
> 
> tracking: fic: aot clarity


	8. Rest, ye merry gentlemen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter shenanigans, snowball fights, Jean god damn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer than expected and I apologize for that. I had a bit of a fluffy writer's block haha. As always my tumblr is **thingsishouldntbedoing** and this tracked tag is **fic: clarity**.

Levi woke slowly, more comfortable and warm and rested than he had been in _years._ It was safe here in the muscular embrace of his subordinate, with Eren’s hot breath rushing into his hair and prickling at his scalp, with Eren’s hand cradled against the back of his neck and his face pressed into Eren’s chest. He could stay this way forever, at least he gave the idea of staying this way some good consideration before Eren’s eyes fluttered open.

The pull on Levi’s heart was unintended but powerful as a stupid, sleepy smile spilled onto Eren’s face. As if Levi were the only thing on Earth Eren had wanted to wake up to that morning. As if the mere sight of Levi’s face were enough to shatter the sleep-softened eyes into a wrinkled grin that stole his breath away and made him bury his face against his sternum, rubbing his face irrationally against his skin as if if he pressed hard enough he could meld into him and never have to be apart from the warmth of his skin or the steady beat of his heart.

Or his _stupid_ smile.

“Good morning, Levi.”  
  
 _Well fuck me._ His smile, the sparkle in his groggy eyes, the just-woke-up gravel in his smooth voice-- they shot him through the heart and left him begging. He wondered if Eren had any idea what he was doing: slamming his head against Levi’s carefully constructed facade, careless of the damage, rolling forward again and again until Levi could see the cracks forming-- until he could see them crumbling beneath the force of Eren’s blows.

“Good morning,” he said in reply, reluctantly peeling Eren’s arms away from him. “How are you feeling?” He sat up and closed his eyes under the soft trail of Eren’s fingers over his abdomen.  
  
“I’m okay… sorry about last night…” Eren’s lips pressed against the swell of Levi’s hip over the edge of his pants. “You invited me here to…”  
  
“To do whatever you wanted…” Levi murmured. “There’s nothing to be sorry about, things happen in time. It’s better not to rush them,” he curled his fingers into Eren’s hair and turned his head just slightly to look over his face.  
  
“So what are we?”  
  
“Whatever we are, why do we need a label right away?” To be honest the idea of a label scared him. It bound him to the promise that he would strive to live… and sometimes striving to live meant making selfish decisions… decisions he didn’t have time for. 

“I don’t know… we don’t… as long as you’re mine,” there was a giggle on the edges of his voice. A laugh that dared to spill over his lips. “That sounded funny to say… we don’t really belong to anybody but we kind of belong together, right?”  
  
“Hmm,” Levi agreed noncommittally, leaning down to touch their lips together. “Everyone else will be waking soon. Go back to the room and I’ll see you at breakfast,” he pressed his hand against the warm flesh of the teenager’s chest.  
  
“Okay,” Eren said happily and sat up. “It looks like it snowed a lot are we still doing drills today?”  
  
“Yeah, make sure you get them into the winter uniforms, though, I don’t want any frostbite,” Levi told him, catching his finger in Eren’s belt loop as he stood.  
  
“Yes, sir,” Eren pulled his shirt on and adjusted the key around his neck. “Levi?”  
  
“Eren?” He answered almost playfully, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“Anytime,” he accepted a kiss, watching Eren pad over to the door and poke his head out.  
  
“Bye,” Eren purred over his shoulder. Their eyes lingered, hooked and drawn together.

“Don’t say bye, idiot, I’ll see you in a few minutes,” Eren recognized the tone of amusement and closed the door slyly, feeling better than he had in weeks. This flirting was really getting out of hand as Levi leaned just slightly to watch him go.  
  
“Eren!” Connie’s voice shot through him like an ice pick and he nearly shut the door on his foot.  
  
“Shit! Connie you scared me!”  
  
“We were just about to go looking for you!” Eren looked and saw Armin half dressed and half out the door with Jean frozen in the midst of pulling a jacket on just behind him.  
  
“Oh… why?” Eren asked a little stupidly.  
  
“We woke up and you weren’t in your bed!” Armin sounded relieved at least. “We were worried…”  
  
Eren felt guilt pick up in his chest: of course his friends had been worried about him. “It’s fine let’s go get ready okay? We have to run a few drills today before we can finish with the tree.”  
  
“Is everything okay?” Jean asked.  
  
“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Eren smiled pleasantly. “Captain Levi just asked to see me early this morning.”

“Oh okay," Armin replied. “Well we got worried for no reason, let’s have breakfast I’m starving.”  
  
“Yeah I could snap you like a chicken wing,” Connie joked.  
  
“And I’ll stomp you into a pulp,” Jean said before Eren could even move his jaw, Eren glancing over to Armin whose face had melted into surprise. He had expected his friend to look irritated or perhaps even hiding what he was thinking but here it was-- surprise. Somehow that was unsettling and pleasing all at the same time-- at least someone could surprise Armin.  
  
“Hey it was just a joke…” Connie defended as they walked into the kitchen and Eren laughed at Armin’s expense when he flushed lightly at the way Jean glared at Connie _anyway_ joke or not.  
  
 _It’s good to have them all around me…_ Eren thought fondly as Connie and Jean continued to bicker.

* * *

 “Eren what the hell is this?” Levi shouted as Eren swung around, landing on a nearby branch before dropping down and hooking into a tree just above the knee high snow. 

“What do you mean?”  
  
“Have you seen the house?” Levi asked critically. Their winter boots were much taller to battle the height of the snow, the soft leather stretched up beneath their harness and fastened into the belts on their thighs, but Eren could see that the almost three feet of snow was gathering at the front of Levi’s legs as he dredged up a path from the house. “Also why the fuck is there so much snow out here?”  
  
“Snowstorm,” Eren answered simply. “I could dig you a path if you want?” He offered.  
  
“No it’s fine, how’s the perimeter?” Levi glanced around.  
  
“Sasha and Jean just did a sweep, everything looks clear for now, but we’d see any problems coming at this point with all the snow,” Eren hung lazily in his harness and bounced his knees off the bark. “I guess Hanji and the others will just have to wait?”  
  
“Most likely, that means more wait time on word from Sina and Erwin but… ah well we can’t worry about that for now,” Levi dismissed, ducking as someone came close to the ground in a turn.  
  
“SORRY!” Connie called, grappling to another tree.  
  
“Remind me to--”  
  
“I’ll let him know he needs to clean the bathrooms,” Eren finished his sentence. “Do you want us to clean the roof?”  
  
“It’s getting too heavy,” Levi turned his head back towards the cottage, “I’m worried the roof might cave otherwise… get some of the lighter ones up there. You and Armin and Springer.”  
  
Eren might have protested about being called _lighter_ but snow exploded in his face instead as the zipping of a cord ripped by and a very _familiar_ laugh brought snow down from the trees. “JEAN!”  
  
“Are you kidding me?” Levi’s irritation was evident beneath the snow slowly trickling down his face, shrapnel from Eren’s direct hit.  
  
“I’m sorry sir I’l--” A second snowball hit him in the chest.  
  
“Snooze you lose Jaeger~!” Connie narrowly caught Sasha’s hand, grapple missing his desired branch, laughing as she swung him up.  
  
“Eren don’t you get--” Levi wasn’t even finished with his sentence before Eren had unhooked his grapple and was ripping after them, tearing his glove off with his teeth and catching snow as he passed. “--Involved…” He sighed. As if he even had a chance of convincing a bunch of children not to throw snow at each other. Did he even really want to? For now let them have their fun, he supposed, at least they were working together. That was the point of this exercise wasn’t it? To make Eren value his own life, to help him understand how much others valued it?  
  
“Jean look out!” He heard Armin call, sprinting straight up a tree as Mikasa charged him with an armful of snowballs handed to her by Sasha. He pushed off, flipping and landing on his feet against another tree just to dodge her, pulling his lines and sliding down to a branch only to find her behind him.  
  
“Shit!” He dove, relieved when snow exploded in her face. “Thank--” Eren’s next snowball filled his mouth with ice. “AAGH!”  
  
“S-Sorry Mikasa!” Eren swung around a tree. He could remember when they had fought when they were children, Mikasa was a terrifying opponent even if her weapons were just snowballs, and having her gliding after you on a maneuver gear with that wicked glint in her eye that said she was about to drown you in a snowbank-- well that was certainly not any less terrifying.  
  
“Christa!” Connie said as he and Eren soared by and she pelted Mikasa and Jean with the snowballs she and Armin had been packing. She seemed to look a little more colorful now, at least Connie thought so, still smileless but… there was color in her face and she was answering Armin’s questions, she even seemed to be speaking more openly in return. To be honest the snowball fight had been his idea, something he’d concocted as they passed through their drills… anything to make everybody stop frowning just for a few minutes. A lot of bad had happened in the past few weeks, he thought it was time something good happened… at least something to help them remember that despite all that they had to cope with at that moment they could still have a snowball fight and decorate a Living Tree and shove each other off branches into the snow below. 

 _He_ needed it perhaps as much as anyone else. He supposed in all that had happened he had partly been forgotten. Not in a bad way, not in the sense that the others were ignoring him, but so much had happened and all of them were suffering… he couldn’t help but understand that what had happened to him was minor in the scheme of things-- all it could do was offer some hope to Hanji and the other researchers. Yet it was saddening. His village, every single person, had either been eaten or turned into a titan. At least they suspected. _Everyone._ He picked at the bark of a tree, watching his friends flying around and laughing openly.

 _Openly._ That was a nice word. Seeing Eren and Jean chasing each other with Mikasa in tow, seeing all of them smile and hearing all of them laugh. Watching Christa’s smile begin to warm as Sasha teased her, dripping ice down the back of her neck and shoving her playfully-- treating her like a normal person… Connie had only wished that they all remain like this for a while.  
  
“I take it this is your doing?” The voice nearly knocked him off the tree and a hand had to quickly clutch at the furs of his cloak to keep him on his feet. “I didn’t mean to surprise y-- are you okay?”  
  
“Captain Levi, sir!” Connie struggled to salute, still shocked.  
  
“How are you holding up?” Levi pulled his cloak back around his shoulders.  
  
“I’m okay, and yes it was… my idea,” Connie admitted a little sheepishly. “How are you?” _Shit that was a stupid question, Connie._

Levi’s brows quirked up, “I’m fine. I suppose I should thank you for all this.”  
  
“Thank me, sir?” Connie blinked.  
  
“Yes, I think they all needed a break, even if now is the time to be more serious… at times all tension needs some release-- otherwise the spring will break and never be able to carry a load again,” he nodded.  
  
“Springs break…” Connie agreed a little confusedly. “So you aren’t mad?”  
  
“Why would you think I’m mad?” He asked.  
  
“You just seem kind of serious,” Connie wished he could just shut up.  
  
“Do I?” If Connie had known him better he would have recognized the amusement in his voice, but for now it went unnoticed. “For everything that’s happened to you-- you’re holding up well.”  
  
“Well, sir, it’s…” Connie looked out at his friends, laughing and talking and soaked to the bone. “It’s nothing compared to what a lot of them have gone through. What they still go through. I’m not too smart, sir, but I know that sometimes it’s easier to bear the weight of the things you have to deal with knowing that other people have it worse. Knowing that they can keep living and laughing and fighting even with everything that’s happened in their life… I just try as hard as I can to help them. Even if all I can do is start a snowball fight.”  
  
Levi felt a little stunned watching this boy, searching his face for a long moment: Shadis’ files had spoken of him as slow witted, quick to maneuver but practically worthless in the _thinking_ department… yet here he was saying some of the most poignant things Levi had ever heard another soldier say: He could carry on because he’d seen others carry heavier burdens.

“I think it’s time everyone went inside don’t you?” Levi asked.  
  
“Probably we’re all going to catch cold,” Connie agreed and with that Levi was off, heading towards the laughter of his friends. _What’s he going to do?_

Jean whipped between trees, closely tailed by both Eren and Mikasa, laughing when Sasha was nearly swept out by a branch. He was soaked to the skin, but the cold wasn’t bothering him much with the heat in his limbs from moving, he’d expected the numbness in his fingers to wear away though. What he hadn’t expected was the sudden drop of heavy snow from above him, sending him crashing to the cushion of more beneath.

Eren flipped, shifting the weight in his hip to avoid a trunk, breathless as he rounded the curve. Sometimes he forgot how fun the maneuver gear could be, they had always used it seriously for battle or training, but after practice they had all enjoyed toying around on them until Shadis yelled at them for wasting time. Mikasa had slowed in her chase, tailing him almost lazily, and he didn’t worry about her as he rounded the next corner until he heard the sound of heavy snow falling. 

“Mikasa?” He shifted as best he could, landing next to Armin and Historia.  
  
“Snow keeps falling,” Armin sounded suspicious. “Sasha, Mikasa, and Jean are all somewhere down on the ground now.”  
  
“But there hasn’t been any--” Eren saw a snowflake fall in front of his eyes, nearly going cross-eyed looking at it. “MOVE!” He caught them both under his arms and swung away just as a heavy pile of snow landed on the branch they had been on.  
  
“What?”  
  
“It’s Levi!” Armin looked where Eren’s eyeline was, hearing the whirr of a maneuver gear high above them.  
  
“How the hell did you know that?” Armin sounded incredulous. “Why would it be Levi? He’s not--” but his voice died on his lips. Eren knew Levi better than they did, what they perceived to be a serious man could be hiding something else. Something Eren only knew about. _He’s not playful_ wasn’t something Armin could say with certainty.  
  
“It seems more like Connie,” Historia pointed out. “I haven’t seen him.”  
  
“No it’s definitely Levi,” Eren disagreed, “he’s staying high above us so we can’t hear him.”  
  
“Why would he get involved in a snowball fight?” Historia asked.  
  
“Because he’s Levi,” Eren smiled. Armin could almost feel the way affection swelled into Eren’s chest, and if he hadn’t seen them together in the hallway the night before he would have thought it was merely admiration… but now he knew better.  
  
“But where’s Connie?” Armin looked around as Eren fired another grapple, whirling with expert grace and practiced skill.  
  
“Don’t worry about Connie if you don’t want to end up soaked!” Eren glanced up and found Levi eerily close above them, jumping from branch to branch with ease. For half a moment he thought of the night before, the warmth of Levi’s skin beneath his hands and the gentle glide of Levi’s mouth against his--  
  
Levi seemed to notice Eren’s lack of focus and took quick advantage of it. He dropped, fearless, before latching a wire into a tree and swinging to meet Eren at just the right angle.  
  
“EREN!” Armin would have cursed had he the breath, the force of contact making him terrified that Eren might drop them, but Levi had grabbed hold of Eren’s cord and used the force of his momentum to dislodge them from their branch. “NO!” Armin covered his face with his hands as they flew through the air, Eren desperately trying to adjust them, trying to find his bearings without hurting one of his passengers. He managed to shift his body enough to land first, Armin and Historia cradled in his arms as they slid along something hard and cold.  
  
Heavy snow packed together, shifting with the movement, and from either side of them snow slid down the roof of the house and onto the ground. Eren groaned, back aching against the shingles. “We were supposed to clean the roof--” he realized just what the retaliation was for.

* * *

By the time they’d finished all their chores and dinner hardly anyone wanted to do much more than sleep, too exhausted from the day of play and hard work, leaving Eren to finish working on the tree topper. Or at least he had been trying to, sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace with his legs crossed as he looked over the figurine of Sina in his fingers. _Sina._ That word meant so much to so many of them at this point. 

She was the priestess-- the _saint_ whose wall housed the richest and most comfortable of all the humans. Eren wondered where she had come from, why they had named the wall after her, what she meant to deserve it. He couldn’t remember anymore and he wasn’t certain he wanted to. He wasn’t certain that any of it mattered in the end, who the saints had been or why they had been or what they meant to anyone-- none of them would protect humanity. They had done nothing but cage the humans, turned them into _steers_ : impotent and powerless meant only for fattening and slaughter. Why celebrate them?  
  
“What’s the matter?” Levi’s voice broke him from his concentrated glare, not even realizing that he was holding the statuette so tightly it was beginning to cut into his palms.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Eren set the Sina statue down, folding his hands into his lap. “I was thinking.”  
  
“I could tell, every time you get some obsessive thought into your head you get the same look on your face,” he caught his hand on the back of his head gently. “What’s the matter?”  
  
“I was just wondering what the point of Life Day was,” Eren murmured. “Celebrating life behind the walls and being shut up and sheltered…”  
  
“Eren you are perhaps one of the strangest people I’ve ever met,” Levi told him. “Relax,” he rubbed the back of his neck with his thumb, squeezing his shoulder.  
  
“Why am I strange, sir?” Eren closed his eyes, enjoying the pressure against the tension in his back. Instead of answering Levi was quiet, eyes burning in the light of the fireplace as Eren melted under his touch.

They were quiet for a long while, the only sounds or movements those of the fire or Levi adding another log to keep it burning. Eren could feel himself dozing, leaning against Levi’s shoulder with his captain’s arm around his waist, slowly pushing up the fabric of his shirt to stroke a thumb over the cut of his hip. He wondered when they had become this comfortable, if they really were this comfortable or if it was simply a facade; some lie they had told themselves to let themselves relax around _someone_.

“I think Life Day is stupid,” Levi agreed after so long Eren had almost forgotten what he had been thinking about. “But I like it.”  
  
“You? Why?” Eren’s eyes opened groggily.  
  
“Because I think it gives people a time to remember. A designated day that they can finally remember all the people they’ve lost and celebrate the time they had with them I guess,” Levi turned his head and pressed his mouth to the crown of Eren’s head, closing his eyes.  
  
“Yeah…” Eren didn’t want to move, didn’t really want to leave this spot. Not now with his heart aching and his arm around Levi’s knee and the fire crackling in the background. “A day to celebrate all the lives we’ve lost.”  
  
“Celebrate the time we had with them, idiot,” Levi said affectionately. “Don’t make it sound like we’re excited at how many people have died.”  
  
“Yeah…” Eren quieted when Levi lifted his chin and touched their lips together.  
  
Jean hadn’t meant to see them, in fact he had tried avoiding the doorway entirely when he’d heard Eren and Levi’s voices in the den, but he couldn’t help pausing just to look. If he had had the presence of mind not to be a nosy son of a bitch he might not have seen them curled up on the rug in front of a dying fire, one of Levi’s hands curled around Eren’s waist. He might not have seen Eren pull Levi down further and tangle his fingers into the locks atop his head. And he might not have had a hand slap over his face and pull him back from the light, powerful arm tight around his waist.  
  
“Don’t say anything just stay quiet,” Armin’s voice pressed against his ear. “You have to promise right now you won’t say anything.”  
  
“Mmph,” Jean nodded hurriedly.  
  
“You swear!”  
  
“Yes!” Jean whispered once Armin’s hand was free of his mouth. “What the hell was that?”  
  
“I don’t know okay? But Eren doesn’t have much...I just want him to have this. Don’t question it,” Armin murmured, releasing him.  
  
“Aren’t you going to talk to him about it? I mean it’s--”  
  
“Jean do you understand how little Eren has? Why the hell would I take away something that makes him happy?” Armin prodded him in the chest. “And if you say something I’ll--”  
  
“Okay, _okay_ please don’t tell me whatever creative threat you have for me… I’ll have nightmares,” Jean rubbed the back of his neck. “Is that really okay?” He glanced over his shoulder.  
  
“Yes. For now it is. Why haven’t you asked me how I found out?”  
  
“I just figured you know everything?” Jean answered sheepishly and Armin smiled, catching his face in his hands.  
  
“I think I’ll keep you around,” Armin teased.  
  
“Does this mean I get a kiss?”  
  
“Yes.”


	9. The sickness.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean gets sick. Mikasa and Levi have their second talk.

Jean slept fitfully, night filled with dreams and nightmares that had him hot and itchy beneath his blankets, knuckles white and fisted into the pillow beneath his head. He was half in a nightmare filled with blood and slick bones and weeping wounds, of mouths filled with black ash that poured from their lips like lies and filled the air until it was a chokehold on his lungs and left his body frustrated to breathe. Frustrated to live. _Jean._ He could hear his name on the winds, hot and billowing, his name holding the particles of nightmare suspended and thick. _Choking. I’m choking._  

“Jean!” His eyes snapped open to a cool towel swiping at his face, a body hovering over him nervously.  
  
“Armin?” He shivered violently, chilled by the faintest feeling of fingers releasing from his throat, of his dry mouth ashen around his tongue.  
  
“Here have some water,” Armin cradled his head in his hand and pressed a canteen to his lips and Jean allowed cool liquid onto his tongue.  
  
“What--” he shuddered at the rough sound of his voice, barely a whisper against the swelling in his glands. No wonder he’d thought he was choking, eyes closing as Armin nestled his head back down on the pillow.  
  
“You were having a fever dream,” Armin soothed, stroking his hair back from his face gently. “Everything’s okay,” his heart leapt as a rough hand gripped his thigh and squeezed. “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
Armin’s words were pale in the moonlight, pouring from his lips like cinders and washing into the air. _Lies._ His fever whispered close to his ear as Armin rested his hand on his chest. _He spills lies._  
  
“Jean?” A cool hand on his face drew him back to reality, concerned eyes bright in the flickering gaslight from the bedside. “Don’t look away I’m right here, okay? You’re very sick.”  
  
Jean wanted to ask why Armin was there if he was so sick, why he dared to brave becoming just as sick as Jean now felt. He couldn’t form words, everything was too hot and too muddled and Armin was too close-- why was he even here?  
  
“Settle down,” Jean wondered when he’d even started to struggle. “I’m going to treat you the best I can, the snow is too thick to get a doctor up here. Eren and I are all you’ve got…”  


* * *

 

“Are you certain this will work?” Mikasa asked as she peeled the casing off a rifle shell, shaking the packed powder into a bowl. 

  
“Burning sulfur is supposed to help,” Eren replied patiently, stirring a pot on the stove.  
  
“Don’t use them all up, we need some for protection,” Levi warned, but his voice wasn’t harsh. There was concern at the edges, for more than just himself. He was lucky this happened now and not on an expedition but they were now all at risk. “Eren do you know what this is?”  
  
“I’m not a doctor…” Eren murmured. “All I know is what I learned from my dad when I was a kid and even then… it’s fuzzy.” He stared down the soup before him with intensity, shoulders tight beneath his tunic. What could he do? How could he help? He couldn’t let Jean die here, not like this, he wasn’t going to let him. “I’m not a doctor…” he said again.  
  
“Eren,” Levi jolted him to attention. “Stay calm and think. No one else here has any experience at all. Jean has to rely on you and Armin alone.”  
  
“No pressure,” Sasha muttered and Connie squeezed her shoulder.  
  
“Uhm… b-burning sulfur and--” Eren’s eyes fell on the gas lamp on the center of the table. “Mikasa! Go get me a cup of kerosene from the storage,” he told her and she shot out the door. “Captain--”  
  
“Just tell me what to do,” Levi straightened up.  
  
“You’re better at cleaning than anyone I know… I need some pieces of fabric torn into strips and sterilized. Something to wrap them around needs to be cleaned as well…” Eren murmured. “A dipstick or… rifle rod… anything that I can use that’s slender.” He watched Levi nod and vanished into his room.  
  
“What are you going to do?” Historia asked softly.  
  
“Kerosene is toxic, it can be used to get rid of infections in some cases. I don’t know what he has but based on his symptoms it could be bad… kerosene should help…”  
  
“Kerosene won’t kill Jean will it?” Connie asked.  
  
“It would if I poured it in his mouth, I’m just going to swipe some around inside his throat,” Eren wished his shoulders weren’t so tight, accepting the cup from a snow-covered Mikasa.

“Where did it even come from?” Sasha wondered, peeling potatoes almost absently. “How did he get sick?”  
  
“Maybe just picked something up off the trail, it’s been a while since the expedition,” Eren sighed. “He was fine earlier tonight when I came to bed… or maybe…” He was quiet for a moment. Jean had nightmares, he knew that, he’d seen him thrashing in his sleep; so when he saw him earlier in the night he’d figured they were just more of the same. _He hasn’t really had any the past few weeks._ “He wasn’t fine…” He felt a little ill. Why hadn’t he noticed?  
  
“Don’t blame yourself, Eren, nobody noticed he wasn’t feeling well…” Mikasa told him gently. “Just try and help the best you can.”  
  
“But what if I fuck up? I could kill him!”  
  
“You won’t,” Levi’s voice cut through the chatter. “Eren you’re not doing anything wrong, don’t panic,” he caught his shoulder and squeezed gently. “Here’s the cloth, what else can we do?”  
  
Eren’s tension lifted just slightly at Levi’s touch, smile flickering onto his face as he drew away from the stove. “Okay… alright can you guys take care of this?”  
  
“Yeah, go take care of Jean,” Sasha told him.  
  
“Here let me help you with that,” Levi watched him bundle up the strips of cloth and kerosene. “What are you using to spread it?”  
  
“My fingers?” Eren suggested sheepishly.  
  
“A spoon might be better…” Levi examined the handle of a clean utensil. “Wrap up the end with fabric, it’s slender enough to fit.”  
  
“Sure,” Eren nodded and led Levi back to the rooms. “It’s so late… you should tell the others to go to bed…”  
  
“I’ll do that,” Levi didn’t question that Eren had just given him an order. “Take care of him. I’d rather not lose a squad member this way.”  
  
“I’ll try.”  
  
“Eren, have more faith in yourself,” Levi caught the side of his face. “You can do this. All you have to do is get him through the night. Just trust what you know, no matter how little that is.”  
  
“Yessir,” Eren nodded.  
  
Levi watched him disappear through the door and sighed heavily. It was enough to think that Jean was sick, to think that so quickly he was already sliding down the slippery slope of potentially losing squad members. Yet, somehow, this was almost a blessing. It gave him a chance to build Eren’s self esteem, to build the trust in himself and his decisions. Even if it was a painful learning experience for Eren it would be more than just good for him. _Just don't die Kirchstein._ He pressed a silent prayer against the back of his knuckles. _That would be a far worse blow to Eren than I could imagine._

Eren found Jean resting against Armin's thigh for support, face scarlet and throat visibly swollen. Armin's face was _terrified_ , striking deep against Eren's heart, slender hands holding Jean's hair back from his face.

"Eren," fear creeped into the edges of Armin's voice, but Armin wasn't one to panic. He was reasoning out Jean's chances and relying on Eren; trusting his best friend to do the right thing. 

"It's okay, Armin," Eren set down his collection. "You should leave--"

"If I'm infected I can't go out there with them. I could be carrying it," Armin told him. "I'll stay in here until we know I'm not sick."

Eren wasn't going to question why Armin thought he might be infected as well, moving to Jean's bedside. He had seen his father work with the sick, had been there through their treatments many times, but this was the first time he had to draw up memories relating to it. _He always felt for something._ Eren pressed his thumbs against his throat and felt for the swelling, practically hearing his father's words close to his ear. 

 _“Lymph nodes, Eren.”_ There was a laugh in his voice as Eren asked what he was feeling for.

 _“What do those do, Dad?”_ Eren curled his fingers into his father's jacket, leaning over his knee curiously to look. Illness had never bothered him, not when he knew his father could treat it.

_“They protect the body, filter out bad things.”_

_“So why do they get gross?”_

_“Because sometimes even the protectors can't do their job right. Sometimes they do everything right and they can't defend against the sickness.”_  

 _“How do you fix it?”_  

 _“Sometimes you can't.”_  

"It's a fever… diphtheria o-or typhoid I can’t be sure…” Eren bit his bottom lip. “Something I think I know about…” That was a relief, almost, washing over him and warming his blood.  
  
“Are you sure?” Armin asked as Eren wrapped a strip of cloth around the handle of a spoon.  
  
“Yeah I remember diphtheria went around when we were little, people always had these swollen necks,” Eren murmured. “It could be someone was a carrier and gave it to him. I don’t know if Trost was affected… is he lucid?”  
  
“Barely, I drew him out earlier but…” Jean’s milky eyes fluttered open, waxen with fever.  
  
“Armin…” He wheezed his name, as if it were a relief that he was there.  
  
“Jean I’m going to try something to make the pain better okay? But you have to try not to choke, breathe through your nose and open your mouth alright?” Jean searched his face before his eyes slid to Armin’s.  
  
“It’s okay I’m right here,” Armin crooned, catching his hand gently. “It’s going to help alright?” Jean’s eyes slid closed and for a moment Eren was worried he’d have to force him; then his dry lips parted and jaw fell open like a titan’s maw.  
  
“Armin hold him steady, he won’t like this,” Eren dipped the cloth in oil and let it drip off.  
  
“Kerosene…” Armin’s voice wasn’t questioning, trusting Eren’s judgement, but there was curiosity in his eyes. “It’s kind of archaic.”  
  
“I don’t have anything else to work with,” Eren responded, sliding his finger into his mouth and pushing his tongue down to look into the back of his throat. “He’s all red and swollen, but there aren’t any sores…” More relief.  
  
“You would have made a good doctor,” Armin whispered and Eren lifted his face to look at him. “I always thought that.”  
  
“I’m not smart like you are, Armin,” Eren smiled wryly.  
  
“Don’t knock yourself down like that, Eren, learning comes easy to me so comparing us is wrong. You’ve worked so hard for everything. It’s not like you made it into the top _five_ by mistake, and it isn’t like I don’t know how hard you worked for every inch of success you’ve gained. Maybe you’re not as good with words and maybe you’re not as absorptive but you’re not _stupid_ by any means. You just have to work harder at it than some people,” Armin watched Eren slide the makeshift swab down and around Jean’s throat, praying Jean would keep breathing through his nose.  
  
“Well you’ve been holding that in for a while, haven’t you?” Eren murmured. “I wish I had a stethoscope…” He placed his hand on Jean’s chest. “I want to know if there’s fluid in his lungs…”  
  
“He hasn’t been coughing yet,” Armin offered.  
  
“Coughing isn’t a sign of fluid in the lungs, it’s a sign of mucus on the epiglottis,” he wondered if it was his father or himself speaking. The words seemed so familiar and heavy in his mouth.

“I’m always amazed by you,” Armin murmured and stroked Jean’s hair back. “What’s that?” The bed shifted as Eren rose and walked to the bowl on the bedside, scooping just a little out into a smaller cup.  
  
“Gunpowder…” Eren struck a match and dropped it in.  
  
The smell of rotten eggs and burning sewage brought memories back, bright and furious in Eren’s mind. His father in the sunlight, examining a vial in his fingers thoughtfully as Eren sat patiently at an unfamiliar kitchen table. Sage and sulfur burned in the air and filled his lungs and his thoughts until he was immune to them; until he no longer smelled the fumes of illness and death.  
  
He remembered the smile on his father’s face, the sound of his laugh when he discovered something pleasing to him-- be that a mushroom that seemed interesting or a pus filled blister that gave him a clue as to what was ailing a patient. He liked that sound.

 _“Well Eren what do you think?”_ Grisha asked, shaking the vial.  
  
 _“I think it’s weird,”_ Eren replied blankly. _“What is it?”_  
  
 _“Blood infected with --”_ His voice became unclear and Eren leaned forward in his chair.  
  
 _“Dad?_ ” Eren pressed for an answer as the room became unclear, the room a blur of white and gold and warmth.  
  
 _“I’m so sorry Eren!”_  His voice broke around his words, echoing and crashing into Eren’s senses as he struggled, trying to push him back. _“It’s going to hurt but it’s going to help!”_ He caught Eren’s arm and pinned him down with all his weight, face contorted in agony.  
  
 _“Dad! Dad please!”_  He cried out.  
  
“Eren?” The room returned to focus and he found Armin’s brows knitted deep, lips parted in concern. “Are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah… why?” Eren swallowed.  
  
“You kept saying ‘Dad’ and I--”  
  
“Oh sorry I guess I just lost myself. Been doing that a lot lately, haven’t I?”  
  
“I haven’t seen you like that in a long time,” Armin admitted. “Not like _that_ anyway. Not since… well Trost probably.”  
  
“Trost.”  
  
“When you came to? After the first time you transformed? You were acting really weird and you had this… look on your face,” Armin touched his cheek. “Are you sure you’re alright?”  
  
“I don’t really know any more, Armin, but we shouldn’t talk about this right now. Let’s just make sure Jean is alright,” Eren looked away from him. “I do want to talk to you, though,” his eyes flickered to his face.  
  
“I know you do, Eren,” Armin ruffled his hair playfully. He knew Eren, maybe better than anyone else, and he also knew Eren would open up in time when he felt it was necessary. And Armin would be there waiting until he did. 

 

* * *

 

“Why are you still awake?” Levi looked up from the cold tea he’d been staring at, thumbing at the rim absently. Mikasa leaned against the doorway, arms folded over her chest, face soft in the gaslight.  
  
“Mm I could ask you the same question,” Levi gestured for her to sit.  
  
“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” she told him as she sat, earning a grunt of approval in return. “About how I might be hurting Eren more than helping him.”  
  
“And?”  
  
“I don’t know what to think.”  
  
“Well that’s understandable. Tell me something, Ackerman, why did you decide to protect him?”  
  
“He’s… the only family I have, sir,” she toyed with the end of her scarf. “All I want to do is to… I just want to keep him alive. I _have_ to.”  
  
“You know that’s not always possible, right?” Levi hated these sorts of talks. They always led to some sort of emotional breakdown… but they were necessary. He needed to know _everyone_ in his squad.  
  
“I… it’s always possible! I’ll always protect him!” She told him angrily. “I failed once before and I won’t fail again!”  
  
“You disobeyed orders. Twice. You failed. _Twice._ You should be counting your lucky stars I brought you into this squad. I won’t have you disobeying me in battle whether Eren’s at risk or not,” Levi frowned.  
  
“You don’t understand.”  
  
“Don’t I? You think I’m blind and unassuming? Maybe that I’m stupid? Is that it? You think I’m some old man that doesn’t understand hopes and dreams because he doesn’t have any, right?”  
  
“What? No!” He could see her knuckles blanch on her scarf.  
  
“Well then what the hell am I to you, Ackerman? Tell me what you think of me,” he folded his arms over his chest.  
  
“I--” Her grey eyes searched for a way out, biting her bottom lip. “You just… don’t understand.”  
  
“Then explain it to me. Tell me what I don’t understand about you. I’d like to understand why you risk lives without question and put yourself in danger while emotionally compromised.”  
  
“He’s all I’ve got left!” She told him angrily. “Eren is all I have! He’s-- he saved me! He saved me from hating the world and from being alone and gave me someone to believe in! Someone to live for!”  
  
“And why don’t you live for yourself?” Levi asked, calm in the face of a storm.  
  
“M-Myself?” Surprise spilled over her features, slackening her shoulders and parting her lips.  
  
“Yes, why don’t you live for yourself? What’s holding you so tightly to Eren? What’s bound you to him so tightly that you can’t even function when he’s in danger? I’ve read the reports from your friends in Trost. I’ve seen you in action. I know your record inside and out.”  
  
“But you don’t know _me!_ ”  
  
“How can I when you hide behind Eren? Do _you_ even know you?” Levi leaned on his elbows, eyes unreadable.  
  
“I… I promised…” she trembled. “I promised I’d keep him safe…” She hung her head and Levi felt a pang of satisfaction. He was getting through.  
  
“Why do you let that consume you? That promise to keep him safe?”  
  
“Because he’s all I have left, can’t you understand?”  
  
“What I understand is that I can’t have you compromising my team, can you work with us? Can you sacrifice yourself to keep others safe? Not just _Eren?_ If I told you to go and not look back, even if Eren was in danger, could you do it?”  
  
Silence filled the air, deafening and blunt against Levi’s ears. He wished he was inside her head, that he could understand everything she knew, because perhaps it would explain her persistence. Yet somehow he felt they were similar creatures.  
  
“I don’t know. I don’t know, sir.”  
  
“Well I don’t either and that’s the problem. I need to know, Ackerman, that I can trust you. That I know you’ll take my orders and run with them,” he rose from his chair. “I won’t let Eren die if i can help it, you’re not the only person with reasons to keep him safe.”  
  
“I _love_ him. You just don’t want to have blood on your hands,” her words drove a spike of ice into his spine and he turned to her just slightly.  
  
“Whatever my reasons for keeping Eren alive are: yours are no better. We both want to keep him alive and I am your superior officer. You do as I say without question or I remove you from my squad,” he said coldly. _I already have blood on my hands._

“If Eren is in danger--”  
  
“You do as I _say_ Ackerman or I’ll kill you myself,” he told her. “I will _not_ risk the safety of my squad members for your insecurities.”  
  
“You would risk Eren’s life by keeping me away from him!?”  
  
“ _Absolutely not_. I just have more faith in my own skills than yours,” he watched her fizzle. “You are talented but you have no emotional maturity. I don’t know how many times I have to say it before it sinks in: you risk lives with your instability. Even _Eren’s_.”

An empty sort of glaze filtered over her face as she pulled her scarf up over her face, closing her eyes. She was thinking, he could tell that much, but he also knew this wasn’t a one night process. Everything she was now considering was far more devastating to her psyche than perhaps anything else. The idea that _she_ was putting Eren in danger.  
  
“Mikasa,” he drew her gaze. “You’re strong. You can help protect Eren and you know that… but you need to help protect other people as well.”  
  
The slow nod comforted him, eased the fraying edges of his nerves. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Eren’s sister, to break her down and rip her apart and throw her to the wolves. In fact that was the exact opposite of what he was trying to do. Doubtless she would see any sacrifice of her squad mates in defense of Eren as a worthy one. He wondered if she would submit the others to torture in order to save Eren… or maybe he didn’t understand her yet. However until the day that he fully understood her he would have to assume his decisions based only on what he knew for sure: that Mikasa was reckless when emotional, careless for her own life in the face of Eren’s troubles… and careless of the lives of others.

“Levi!” He heard Eren’s voice, halting with his hand on his doorknob.  
  
“How is he?” The shifter walked over and hovered by Levi’s side.  
  
“He’s resting more easily now, I think,” Eren confirmed. “We’re going to continue the treatments we’ve got until a real doctor gets here but… at least he’s comfortable.”  
  
“Indeed,” he nodded, eyes flickering over to find Mikasa paused in the hallway-- watching them.  
  
“Did you talk to Mikasa?” Eren asked softly, noticing his eyeline.  
  
“I think you should,” Levi replied. “I’m not sure there’s anything I can do, Eren.”  
  
“I understand… but I’ve been talking to her for years… she won’t let go of me.”  
  
“You mean a lot to her, it’s not surprising, I just want her to be able to function in a team is all…”  
  
“I’ll try again. I’ll keep trying, Captain,” Eren told him with determination in his eyes. “I want Mikasa to be here with me. I don’t want her to be sent away.”  
  
“Tell her that then, not me,” Levi turned to enter his room.  
  
“Levi?”  
  
“What is it, Eren?”  
  
“Thank you,” he murmured.  
  
“Sure.” 

Eren watched him shut the door, covering his mouth with his hand thoughtfully. _I wish I could say more than thank you to you right now._ He was starting to understand so many different things thanks to Levi. Starting to understand himself better through his friends. Starting to understand what power he had other than just his titan’s strength… starting to know that he had more value than just a means to an end.

He wondered when he ever forgot that.

And why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say this time. I didn't really want to jabber on at the beginning. Just know I was sick most of today and writer's block has been punching me pretty hard. I'm not completely happy with this chapter, it was pretty shitty, but there you go. Sometimes you have to put out shitty chapters.
> 
> Thanks for reading, it'll be better next time <3


	10. Misunderstanding.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren looked baffled, bombarded with new information and multiple voices.
> 
>  
> 
> **SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 53**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the summary effectively describes this chapter. Sorry for the long break.
> 
> tumblr: thingsishouldntbedoing
> 
> tracking: fic: clarity

The morning after Jean’s illness Eren emerged, carrying dirty clothes and dishes out to be washed, grey eyed with sleeplessness.

“And where are you going?” He couldn’t stop the question in this state, eyes falling on Levi as he fastened his cloak around his shoulders.  
  
“I need to go into town and get a doctor, how is Jean?” Levi’s steel eyes glinted as he turned, watching Eren set his load down.  
  
“He’s doing well,” Eren made a mental note that this was the fourth person Levi had now spoken of by their first name. The team was coming together nicely. “I think the worst is over for now, but you had better get a real doctor.”  
  
“Whoa,” Levi must have seen him sway, crossing the room in a heartbeat to catch him. “You need to get some rest,” he shifted his weight to support Eren’s tired body. “Don’t work yourself to death.”  
  
“I won’t,” Eren leaned on him heavily, closing his eyes in the welcoming warmth of Levi’s arms.  
  
“Damn you’ve got to stop growing,” Levi murmured, nestling his face into the crook of Eren’s neck. “You’re going to get so tall I can’t support you anymore.”  
  
“Pillars are always shorter than the building they hold up,” Eren muttered playfully. “Ugh I’m okay,” he straightened up, hand to his head. “I should get some rest, though, you’re right.”  
  
“I usually am,” Levi sighed. “Enough of this, I need to leave.” He jumped at Eren’s roughened fingers catching his wrist.  
  
“Something happened…” Eren told him. “Something I can’t… I don’t know how to explain it to you…” The flashes from the night before turned his stomach, stole the color from his face.  
  
“Eren?” Levi caught his face in his hands. “Focus, what’s going on?”  
  
“I…” the images passed and his eyes found Levi’s face, expressive and serious. “I don’t know…” Thin eyebrows dropped down into a scowl and Eren felt his heart skip a beat.  
  
“You need rest,” but there was a note to his voice that churned Eren’s stomach. As if he had some idea of what had just transpired. “If Hanji gets here before I do don’t let her wheedle you into doing anything. I don’t want you shifting like this,” his hands were cool and rough on Eren’s face where they captured his cheeks.  
  
“Yessir,” he nodded into his palms. _Anything for you, sir,_ he wanted to add.  
  
“Alright I’m going, keep everyone in line. There’s plenty of snow so be careful about going outside. _We’re being watched_ ,” he turned and walked to the door, pulling his hood over his hair.  
  
Those words struck Eren cold and for a moment he wanted to reach out to him, to touch his shoulder just _once more_. As if that would reassure him that nothing bad would happen.  
  
 _I won’t let anything bad happen._  
  
As soon as the door shut _he_ was in charge. Maybe it wasn’t the greatest set up. Maybe Eren wasn’t the best tactical mind like Armin or the best with the maneuver gear like Jean or the strongest like Mikasa… but he was the one Levi trusted the most. And Levi’s trust meant more to Eren than anything else at that moment.

 

* * *

 

“Hey!” Connie’s face brightened when Jean trudged out into the den looking marginally less ill than he had in the previous days. “How are you feeling?”  
  
“Better,” Jean ran his fingers through the long strands hanging over his brow. “Hanji’s already here?” He glanced over to see Eren sitting across the table from her, face serious, with Levi standing behind him with a hand gripping his seat back. They looked like a war party, and Jean supposed they were.  
  
“Yeah we’re getting ready to go out and start the testing,” Armin answered easily, blue eyes sparkling in the sunlight. “Finally some progress!”  
  
Jean’s face softened, leaning on Armin’s shoulder playfully, “So who’s on watch?”  
  
“Well if you’re feeling up to it you can come with us. The more the merrier,” Armin smiled up at him.  
  
“You’d say that wouldn’t you?”

“Only if it helps,” Armin shrugged with mock indifference.  
  
“Yeah, yeah,” Jean ruffled his hair and walked over to pour himself tea.  
  
“Is there something going on between you?” Sasha asked, tilting her head, eyes following Jean.  
  
“What?” Armin blinked.  
  
“There’s definitely something going on,” Connie agreed.  
  
“You’re just agreeing with Sasha because she’ll beat you up if you don’t!” Armin defended.  
  
“Nuh uh!”  
  
“Hey!” Levi’s voice broke their squabble, “Shut up.”  
  
Eren and Mikasa echoed each other, hiding their faces; Eren behind his smirk hand and Mikasa’s behind her scarf.  
  
“So you’ve got a place for this?” Eren asked, looking up at Moblit.  
  
“Yes, no worries, it’s got a bit of an overlook so Captain Levi should be able to get you out of a tight spot if necessary,” Moblit puffed up with import. Hanji may have been the titanic genius but without him she wouldn’t remember to put her shoes on in the morning.

“Okay,” Eren nodded. “Let’s do it. It’ll be great!” He felt the stroke of a finger on the nape of his neck, turning to look at Levi curiously.  
  
“Are you sure about this?” There was concern reflected in the shine of steel eyes that always seemed to bore right through him, concern that made a bubble of warmth and affection rise and burst in his chest.  
  
“Yes,” he nodded with determination. _Whatever I saw before… I can’t worry about that right now…_  


* * *

 

Maybe he should have… waking up to learn that the mission had been a complete failure. Learning that he was now of less use than ever before… that nearly crushed him.

And the flickering memories…  
  
 _Who is this?_ He wondered at the face in the mirror for the briefest of moments, eyes searching the unfamiliar eyes.

_“Their memories will help you.”_

“Eren?” Levi’s voice drew him back and he lifted his face from the cloth in his hands. “You know what this means right?”  
  
“I’m useless again,” Eren murmured.  
  
“That’s not--” Levi raised his hand and Mikasa stopped talking, surprising everyone in the room.  
  
“Do you know what the air smells like here?” Eren sought out Levi’s eyes, latching onto them desperately in the hope that their cold steel would offer him some comfort… and as Levi’s words circled the drain he thought maybe they did. As Levi spoke, as ineloquent as always, there was something in the way he spoke and the way he never took his eyes away from Eren’s that lit something bright and hot in his heart again. A passion that had been flickering of late, that he feared may be extinguished if they never accomplished anything. How could he be humanity’s greatest hope if he had no hope himself?  
  
“What he means is we need to work harder than ever!” A voice interrupted, shoving itself rudely between them and breaking Eren’s concentration. He wished Hanji wouldn’t have spoken, feeling the wick quiver deep in his chest, barely rekindled with Levi’s words.  
  
 _That’s not at all what he meant…_ Eren looked back, finding that Levi’s eyes had never left him.  
  
“Well we should let you rest!” Hanji pat his thigh and Eren nodded. “Right Levi?”  
  
“I’m not comfortable leaving just yet, but you all have things to be doing,” Levi replied quietly.  
  
“Oh uh… okay…” Hanji muttered through pursed lips and ushered the others out, glancing once more over her shoulder at them. “This isn’t the end,” a silence passed between them and she sighed, pushing a smile back onto her face before shutting the door.  
  
Eren folded the towel up absently, feeling a little uncomfortable under Levi’s gaze. It had gone beyond watching and somewhere beyond the threshold of the uncomfortably long stare and he just hoped it would end soon, squeezing water out all over his lap as he folded the towel smaller.  
  
“What’s wrong?” He finally asked and Eren released the breath he hadn’t known he was holding.  
  
“What do you mean what’s wrong?” Eren muttered. “I’m kind of useless again…”  
  
“Well that’s the most honest you’ve ever been,” Levi’s voice was smooth and reassuring to Eren’s nerves.

 _Who was that woman?_  
  
“I shouldn’t have let you do this, I don’t think,” Levi rose from his seat on the bed next to him and walked to the window, folding his hands behind his back.  
  
“I mourned…” Eren whispered.  
  
“For half an hour,” Levi said. “You sure were upset about something.”  
  
“I’m scared, Levi,” he stared down at the leaking square of cloth, hands shaking as he tried to fold it even tighter. “I’m scared of what’s going on and I don’t know how to control it.”  
  
“I’m here, that’s what I’m for right?”  
  
“Not that kind of control… things are… happening to me and… I’m starting to think they’re related to becoming a titan,” Eren looked up to find Levi looking back at him. _He’s watching me a lot today._ “Is something bothering _you_?”  
  
“Don’t change the subject. What’s happening that you won’t say in front of the others?” He walked back to Eren’s bedside.  
  
“I’m having these weird memory lapses,” Eren said, “sometimes I see things that aren’t there… just now I--”  
  
“Captain Levi! We just got a message from Commander Smith,” Armin interrupted. “I’m so sorry, Eren.”  
  
“It’s okay, Armin,” Eren smiled reassuringly.  
  
“We’ll talk about it later,” Levi dismissed. “Go take a shower.”  
  
“Yessir,” Eren swung his legs out and stepped off the bed. “Who’s cooking dinner tonight?”  
  
“I thought I told you to do it until I told you otherwise?” Levi answered from down the hall, turning a corner and vanishing.  
  
“You have a smile on your face,” Armin said pleasantly. “It’s nice to see you look relaxed again.”  
  
“Huh? I’m still pretty down but it’ll be okay, right!”  
  
“Of course, Eren, you’re our greatest hope… never forget that… but it’s not just that, you know? I mean yeah it’s a pretty big burden to be the greatest hope but it’s not just about you it’s about us as well… just knowing you’re there is enough, I’ve told you that before.”  
  
“You think?” Eren searched his friend’s face. “You’re getting taller…”  
  
“Oh? Am I?” Armin touched the top of his head. “I hadn’t noticed because you and Jean just keep growing too.”  
  
“Armin you’re my best friend, you know that?” He wondered why he felt the desire to reassure him. _What if something awful happens?_  
  
 _Where is this feeling coming from?_  
  
“Of course, Eren! And you’re mine!” Armin’s uncertainty flickered across his face but he took Eren’s hand and squeezed it anyway. “Every time you stand up. Every time you fight back. Every time you keep moving even if you don’t know if you can win… those things make me believe that we can do this. You were willing to give everything for me. And I am willing to do the same,” Armin told him seriously.  
  
“I won’t let that happen,” Eren’s confident smile flashed over his face. “I won’t have anyone else sacrificing themselves for me.”  
  
“It’s not your fault if they have to, just remember that.”  
  
“I’m working on that, I’ll see you later.”  
  
“He’s not going to do anything,” Armin sighed heavily. _What do I have to do to get through to him?_  
  
“Worried again?” Jean asked and Armin closed his eyes under the familiar feeling of Jean catching a piece of blonde hair between his fingers and funneling it through his knuckles.  
  
“Eren’s stubborn.”  
  
“You’re telling me,” Jean curled his arm around Armin’s neck and pulled him back against his chest gently. “I promise I won’t breathe on you.”  
  
“No it’s alright… even if you were contagious I already had it…” Armin said, smiling weakly.  
  
“Oh! I see how it is, you gave it to me and now you feel bad? Well you should!” Jean chided. “I got four days off work because of you,” he teased.  
  
“But you were sick the whole time,” Armin countered his body, turning to press his hands to Jean’s chest. “Am I getting taller?”  
  
“Anything is better than scraping chicken shit off the-- eh?” He tilted his head, arching an eyebrow. “Taller?”  
  
“Yeah am I getting taller?”  
  
“Is this a trick question?” He started to laugh before he could finish his sentence.  
  
“Hey!” He slapped his shoulder. “You are the rudest boyfriend.”  
  
“No the rudest boyfriend would be Levi, could you imagine?”  
  
“I try not to think about my superior officers like that,” Armin wrinkled his nose.  
  
“Oh? Really?” Jean’s face took a sly smirk and Armin felt fear creep up his spine. “Are you sure?” He leaned in close, lips brushing Armin’s ear.

“Jean…” panic filled his voice. “Jean don’t…” he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry, but he was rooted to the spot. He knew he was joking, that there was nothing to his words but a hot ball of molten terror built in his chest. “Jean…”

“Because I seem to think…”  
  
“--Jean _stop_ \--” He let out a nervous giggle, hiding his face as blood filled his cheeks in response to Jean’s teeth scraping over his ear.

“That there may be a certain Commander you have the hots f--” a fist hit him so hard and fast he was sent sprawling to the ground and a breeze cooled Armin’s flushed face.  
  
“Get the hell away from Armin!” Eren’s fist was steaming, knuckles bruised from clashing with Jean’s cheekbone. “Don’t touch him.”  
  
“Eren!” Armin couldn’t decide if he was flattered or horrified, torn between going to Jean’s side and staying with Eren. “Eren he wasn’t doing anything he was just teasing me!” He broke and went to Jean as he sat up.  
  
“Shit that hurt, what the hell is your problem?”  
  
“What’s happening down here?” Mikasa had joined, hurrying towards them with Levi in tow-- making quick, quiet strides behind her that terrified Eren to no end.  
  
“I uh…”  
  
“Eren just punched me!”  
  
“Eren?” Levi’s brows furrowed.  
  
“Uh he was… I…” Eren looked baffled, bombarded with new information and multiple voices.  
  
“It was my fault, sir,” Armin said. “Jean and I… we were talking and I prompted him so Jean said something kind of rude to me but it was a joke.”  
  
“Damn right he was! Armin he--”  
  
“Eren Jaeger!” Armin stood his ground. “You two are friends, right? And you’re friends with me? So you can believe what I have to say right? You know Jean wouldn’t…”  
  
Eren hesitated again, looking between Levi and Jean before biting his bottom lip.  
  
“I’m not going to have squabbles in my squad. If this is going to be a problem--”  
  
“No!” Eren interrupted when no one else would and Armin’s jaw dropped. “No sir it won’t be a problem!”  
  
“Good,” Levi’s face softened. “Somebody get Jean some ice, we have more important things to be worrying about.”  
  
Eren glanced at Armin and just beyond him Mikasa bore a similar expression of concern and curiosity before her face softened as well, “I’m glad for you, Armin.”  
  
“What?” Eren sounded incredulous.  
  
“It’s uhm…” Armin’s blood rush returned, trying to hide his face behind his hair. “Eren we were… you know…”  
  
“They were obviously flirting and you interrupted like a blockhead,” Mikasa nudged his cheek with her knuckles.  
  
“Flirting?” Eren’s dumbstruck echo drew a snort from Jean. “Flirting!?”  
  
“It’s kind of a new… I was going to say something to you but… I don’t know you had so many other things on your mind?” Armin smiled sheepishly. “Maybe I should have… I’m sorry, Jean.”  
  
“S’not your fault,” Jean shied away when Eren offered him a hand.  
  
“Here I… it’s my fault,” Jean stared at the offer for a moment before catching his wrist and letting Eren pull him to his feet. “I misunderstood… uh…”  
  
Now that Jean had the chance for a closer look he realize that Eren’s face was scarlet beneath his tan, unlike the angry boy he’d known in training. The one who had yelled at the lovebirds and berated people for wistful thinking.  
  
“Eren?” Armin’s heartbeat picked up, watching brilliant green eyes fall on their Captain for the briefest of moments. He could have sworn he’d seen Eren’s pulse flutter in his throat. _Is he going to tell us?_  
  
“Uh… well that kind of changes things I… anyway… I’m going to go take a shower…” Eren turned and nearly crashed into Levi and Armin would have sworn on his life a second time that day that Levi _smiled_ for the briefest of moments. Then again it could have been his imagination.  
  
“If the snow hadn’t melted I could have just shoved my face in it,” Jean grumbled.  
  
“We’ll get you some ice,” Armin chuckled and walked him out into the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time something special is going to happen.

**Author's Note:**

> BE KIND I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN A CANON FIC IN MY LIFE AND I SUCK AT THEIR CHARACTERIZATION. <3


End file.
